QUANTICO, Va. — The Marine Corps plans to introduce a new fitness program, although some detractors say it could stretch the limits of traditional physical training.
“This will prepare these new Marines for the real Corps,” one senior enlisted Marine told reporters on condition of anonymity. “You have to be extra flexible when dealing with the Green Weenie. Them cheeks ain’t gonna spread themselves.”
Dubbed the Semper Gumby fitness program, officials say it will primarily focus on flexibility, with an emphasis on adjusting to an ever-changing battle field. Some new exercises include standing in formation for hours, hiking ungodly distances after transport fails to arrive, and bending over at the waist.
“Flexibility is the most important aspect of any Marine Corps unit,” said Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps. “One minute you’re about to fly to Iraq and fight ISIS, the next you’re sitting in a tent in Kuwait, drooling through the 11th hip pocket class of the day. We want individual Marines to get used to those pace changes in the rear.”
Neller said it’s likely that the Corps’ physical fitness test will be modified to accomadate the new program.
“We’re running preliminary trials where Marines are told the base general is coming and then timing them on how quickly they can clean their rooms, while marking how long they can stand outside them before they start to sit down,” Neller said.
The Corps was also testing an exercise where they are given a rag to move back and forth across a rubber rifle, which would help them be more effective at the armory.
Officials said no date had been finalized Corps-wide implementation, although sources claim it could be no later than next month, or perhaps next year.