SAN DIEGO — Following in the footsteps of numerous junior Marines, Sgt. Maj. Tom Randall recently posted a YouTube video asking singer Taylor Swift to the Marine Corps ball, sources confirmed today.
“Hello Miss Swift. On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of the Continental Congress … and um, every year we celebrate the birth of our Corps with big balls — I mean um, like, a party. I was wondering if you would like to be my date to the ball. I hope to BCNU later,” Randall said, in his verbal assault on human decency.
News of the video spread quickly, and the topic dominated the conversation in barracks and chow halls worldwide.
“Eww, that’s so gross. He’s like 50 years older than her!” proclaimed Cpl. Brittany Smith.
“Is she even old enough to legally drink?” asked Lance Cpl. Juan Ramirez, before bursting into hysterical, hungover laughter with his friends.
“I TOTES can’t believe he said ‘BCNU’ out loud! Hashtag ridiculous,” Smith added.
Other members of the E-9 community attempted to reason with Randall and get him to take down the video.
“Look Tom, I know your last three wives left you because, obviously, the Corps comes first — Hail Chesty! — and you’re lonely. Just delete the video. You can pick up a girl in Oceanside or Tijuana like the rest of us do and forget this whole thing ever happened,” said Master Gunnery Sgt. Martin Warner.
When asked for comment on the video invitation, Swift graciously responded from behind her father, two brothers and a bodyguard.
“I think it was really sweet of that older veteran to invite me to the ball. Unfortunately, my touring schedule and father are preventing me from attending an event with a roomful of drunken Marines. My nana said she’d love to go though.”