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Afghan policeman promoted after multiple sexual assault allegations

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KABUL — Afghan National Police Col. Adeeb Safi was promoted to the rank of major general after receiving multiple sexual assault allegations, sources confirmed today.

Reports that Safi had sexually assaulted subordinates and young boys for the past 15 years came to light earlier this week, according to defense officials. After one victim went public, many others were empowered to share their stories of the horrific assaults Safi had inflicted.

“Safi has long acted as a corrupt warlord, giving drug smugglers and the Taliban free reign over his province. He made a lot of money allowing anarchy to flourish,” said Afghan Interior Minister Wais Barmak. “I considered him an outstanding police officer, and today’s news proves he has what it takes to succeed at the highest levels of the Afghan National Police force.”

The veteran officer was promoted “for his outstanding dedication to sexual assaulting the most vulnerable among the Afghan population,” according to his certificate of achievement.

Safi celebrated his promotion by adding more trinkets to his police car and defecating by the side of the road.

“It’s good to see my hard work finally get recognized,” Safi said. “I’ve spent a lot of time performing summary executions and forcing women to get raped, you know, upholding the law. At the same time I was going the extra mile to rape boys and young men. So glad my efforts are finally coming into the light.”

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