PENTAGON — A new US Army plan to double the amount of PowerPoint slides printed this fiscal year could positively impact the GDPs of four countries, sources confirmed today.
“We thought it couldn’t be done,” 2nd Lt. Andrea Smithfield said. “But then one of the general officers started jumping up and down.”
There were also reports of screaming in the middle of briefings, tears shedding from every field grade officer and above, and one staff officer rocking in the corner.
“We had a hell of a time justifying this to the finance folks,” Smithfield continued. “We decided to hold a special briefing.”
According to officials, every person in the room had their own copy of the presentation. It was printed on extra thick paper, with clear plastic covers. The sources added that the presentation was more than 100 slides, and displayed on four 100-inch flat screen TVs.
“No one even looked up at the monitors,” the source said. “It worked.”
Smithfield told reporters that, while the Army had been printing many past presentations, it wasn’t enough from both an economic and a war-fighting standpoint.
“This surge in print-outs, read-aheads, presentations, troop reports, operation orders,” he said. “This is going to win us the wars we deserve to win.”
“We’re seeing huge moves already. It’s been 24 hours and already four countries are reporting that they’ve seen shifts in their economies. Paper imports are about to go through the roof,” Smithfield concluded.