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Sergeant Major bans snivel gear at unit Christmas party

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FORT CAMPBELL, Tenn. — Soldiers and their families participating in a mandatory unit holiday function were denied the use of cold weather gear by their Command Sergeant Major over the weekend, sources confirmed today.

Claiming it was full daylight, and therefore “not cold,” Command Sgt. Maj. Wilberforce Dix banned the use of snivel gear not authorized by the memorandum of instruction which published an appropriate equipment list for the event.

“If one of your kids doesn’t have a beanie, then none of the kids will have a beanie,” Dix said. “Irregardless, it would behoove us to orientate on the fundamentals of uniformity, otherwise it will erode our foundational discipline and lead to a poor command climatization.”

Shivering children wept as their numbed fingers attempted to make decorations at the Christmas crafts table, according to sources.

“This snowman is doo-doo,” complained one 6-year-old as she vainly tried to throw away a hand puppet she’d accidentally grafted to herself with super glue.

At the holiday decorations table, spouses attempted to start a small fire with Christmas wreaths to keep their children from becoming hypothermic. Fortunately, the sergeant major’s aggressive safety plan was immediately implemented and was able to mitigate the hazard, as he personally used prepositioned fire extinguishers to fight the unauthorized burn.

Troops in attendance endured the morale building event with apathy, sources said. A holiday meal was provided by the base dining facility which provided the same mundane blandness it serves every other time of year.

Still, as the function went on, Dix became increasingly concerned of the lack of enthusiasm and esprit.

“I’m getting a little tired of everyone’s comfort-based focus here,” he said. “It’s like they care more about the weather than they do about building unit cohesance.”

The highlight of the event was marked by the arrival of Santa Claus. Soldiers and family members were given the opportunity to sit on his lap and absorb some body heat while he asked them what they wanted for Christmas.

“Please Santa,” said one 8-year-old. “This Christmas my daddy just wants the gift of being left alone.”

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