Holiday half-day schedule canceled due to low morale

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WASHINGTON — Base Commanders across the military have steadily become aware of seasonal low morale across the force, and they’re going to do something about it.

“Our research uncovered that the dip in morale began among the junior enlisted who have to serve at the duty desks and on guard positions,” said a Pentagon spokesman. “We think making those kids stare at walls when everyone else is at home with their families may be a factor, but not a substantial one.”

The military has historically experienced a decrease in morale during the holidays, defense officials said.

Recent surveys across the military have found that depression among single soldiers, airmen, Marines, and sailors has climbed to an alarming 40 percent — a sharp contrast to the normally steady 39 percent.

The Coast Guard did not participate in the surveys, and the Merchant Marines were not given the option to participate.

“It’s just too high of a number for us to ignore,” the spokesman stated. “So we’re making the call across the installations and bringing everyone off of leave to cancel all half-day schedules.”

He added: “We’ve set it all up so that the entire military will start two weeks of sensing sessions and briefings. We’re going to get to the bottom of this and nip the low morale in the butt.”

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