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ISIS holds caliphate-wide safety stand-down after botched NYC terror attack


SYRIA — ISIS is initiating a caliphate-wide safety stand-down after one of its members injured himself on Monday with his own explosive device in New York City, sources confirmed today.

“This is a chance for us to stop operations and come together as a family to figure out what we are doing wrong,” said Akbar Muhammad, Director of Standardization and Training for ISIS.

What should have been a routine operation on Monday to maim innocent civilians instead turned into another embarrassing stain on the caliphate’s already sullied reputation.

Akayed Ullah’s failed attempt resulted in zero casualties while injuring himself in the process and only moderately disrupting the morning commute in Manhattan. This blunder comes on the heels of recent dismal performances such as ISIS’ eradication from Mosul and the Iraqi Army claiming complete victory over the Islamic State.

It also happened just days after a command climate survey was leaked, which showed plummeting morale among junior jihadists. “They barely want to blow themselves up anymore,” said one ISIS commander.

According to sources, ISIS will cease all operations during its safety stand-down and require all members to call into a telephone conference line or watch the presentation over Skype. Officials have allotted about one hour for callers to yell at each other while telling each other to mute their microphones, as others ask “can you hear me?” before the conference begins.

Over an entire day of classes, ISIS members will be reminded to conduct a full safety check on their vehicle bombs and make sure their detonators are always placed on safe until they intend to set things on fire. Another class will broach the controversial topic of suicidal ideation among jihadists, while encouraging them to seek help at ISIS’ state-of-the-art mental health/suicide vest assembly facility.

Commanders are also using the time to talk about other important topics for junior jihadists, to include anti-money laundering training and operational risk maximization training.

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