Paralyzed veteran literally can’t even right now

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STILLWATER, Okla. — Local veteran Chase Wilkerson, a former Army infantryman and quadriplegic, literally can’t even right now, sources confirmed today.

Wilkerson, who was paralyzed by an IED strike in Iraq, is unbelievably serious, according to a source familiar with the situation.

His inability to do anything was on full display this morning, after his wife Hillary told him to stop watching so much TV.

“You literally need to get off your ass and turn that thing off,” she screamed at him. “And clean this shit up!” she added after stepping in a puddle from Wilkerson’s leaky colostomy bag.

“I can’t even woman. I’m literally dying right now!” Wilkerson responded. “My legs don’t fucking work!”

“You’re still clinging to that excuse? You got blown up years ago! How much longer am I going to have to listen to this crap? My ears are literally falling off listening to all your bullshit,” she told him.

Sources say Hillary then turned off the TV and flung the remote at her wheelchair-bound husband, but become even angrier when he failed to raise his hands and defend himself, one witness told reporters.

“You’re literally the most pathetic man I’ve ever met. Why don’t you fucking defend yourself?”

“Because my body is literally a lifeless meat-prison from the neck down?” he told her.

Witnesses say Hillary told Wilkerson she “literally can’t even” with him, adding: “I’m going to literally kill myself if you keep acting this way. I literally have the hardest job in the entire world.”

Neighbors reported the argument to police, and Officer Randy Smith was the first on the scene.

Although Wilkerson was initially charged with domestic disturbance, during his arrest he told Smith that he literally can’t even right now when he was ordered to get into the back of his police cruiser. He was subsequently charged with resisting arrest and verbally assaulting an officer.

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