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Report: Oh fuck, here comes the Chaplain


YOUR LOCATION — Capt. Alan Michaels, the Battalion Chaplain, is on a direct course for your immediate gaggle of soldiers, leaving a trail of dead conversations and awkward silence in his wake, sources confirmed today.

Michaels is perhaps best known for his long, pointless stories from boot camp, usually told in an effort to remind the privates and specialists that he’s just another soldier like you.

Experts predict that Chaplain Michaels will arrive momentarily, likely uttering the phrase “carry on, just pretend I’m not here.” From there, Michaels is expected to smile broadly, as uneasy looks are exchanged between privates who were just moments before discussing their favorite disgusting sexual maneuvers.

“I’m not going to be the one explaining the ‘Angry Pirate’ to Chap, let alone more complex and dangerous moves like the ‘Sad French Clown,’ the ‘Drunk Uncle’, or the ‘Requiem for a Dream,’” said one specialist on condition of anonymity.

Despite there being four other companies in the battalion, Chaplain Michaels is expected to announce that “there’s no place he’d rather be on a Sunday morning” than with the members of your particular company, “except maybe watching football, that is!”

“I swear to Christ, if he’s got his guitar with him again, I’m converting to Satanism,” a nearby sergeant was overhead saying.

At press time, Chaplain Michaels was seen reminding the company atheist that he’ll be holding a nondenominational service over by the flagpole at 1100 hours.

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