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Navy Secretary finally updates ‘days without incident’ board


WASHINGTON — Saying it was about time someone finally did something, Navy Secretary Richard V. Spencer updated the service’s official “Days Without Incident” whiteboard this week, setting the count back to an even zero.

“I mean…listen…I know we haven’t misplaced an aircraft carrier this week or anything,” Spencer reportedly told the Under Secretary, Thomas Modly. “But with that loss to Army and some of the other oopsies that happened this year, I think its important to set this bad boy back to the ol’ goose egg and take some ownership of our performance.”

Indeed, Spencer’s action represents a tremendous step forward for the Navy, which has suffered an alarming spate of ship collisions and plane crashes this year, as well as a devastating corruption scandal.

“This whiteboard update is more symbolic than anything,” Spencer told reporters, wiping some of the dry-erase residue from his sleeve. “But I want our sailors and Marines to know that the leader of their underfunded, over-extended, and poorly understood organization is taking some initiative to right the ship, hooyah?”

Still, many Washington think-tanks maintain that the Navy needs to make an even greater effort to solve its systematic dysfunction.

“If the Navy really intends to cure what ails it,” said Peter Cornaghie of the Brookings Institution, “Spencer should completely reevaluate the Navy’s officer training pipelines, its contractor relationships, and its football program,” arguing that the latter should be, “priority number one.”

When asked for comment, Secretary Spencer replied, “Yeah…that football game was a kick in the shorts, but we’re still working really hard to make our Navy be all it can be. We’ve got a whole other whiteboard down the hall that has a ton of killer ideas on it. We call it our ‘good-idea board’. Like, we’re always writing awesome shit on there.”

Navy sources confirmed the presence of this second whiteboard which, at present, includes suggestions like, “dolphins that speak English,” “making ships go faster,” and “a bangin’ new slogan.”

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