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Soldier shocked after learning what’s in Constitution he swore to defend


COLUMBUS, Ga. — After reading a copy of the Constitution left in the day room while on CQ, Pvt. Austin Morris was shocked by his recent decision to support and defend it, sources confirmed today.

“First of all,” Morris told the rest of 1st platoon, Alpha Company, “Lot of shit in there. Lots of pages, and lots to defend. Waaaay more than I thought I was signing up for.”

Morris is currently the only member of 1st platoon who had read the entire constitution, though all have claimed to have done so.

“What the fuck is in here?” Morris said, rubbing his temples. “3/5th of a person? What else was the guy who wrote this so wrong about?”

Morris went on to explain that although he knew a lot about his favorite rights such as gun rights, freedom of speech, and separation of church and state, none of that showed up until “practically the end.” He also regretted that he had not found the part about standing for the National Anthem yet, but he was kind of tired and confused by the end.

Although Morris had to take a break from the archaic words and technical writing for a quick masturbation session, he later realized there was still this weird thing about British soldiers in there, which apparently he was supposed to be okay with dying to defend even though he had never met a British person and thought they seemed cool in James Bond movies.

Morris said he now regrets his Constitution tattoo, though he did mention the font in the tiny book was too small, and the Constitution is much better “in that feather writing shit,” and probably should “be on like a cool scroll held by an eagle.”

The soldier also mulled over what “well-regulated” means, the late addition of most voting rights, and how much of the history of the country happened without income tax during a recent 12-mile ruck march, where he had plenty of time to wonder why he had solemnly sworn to uphold such a document against all enemies.

His pocket-sized copy of the Constitution had been donated by the ACLU sometime in the 1980s, an organization which Morris opposes, perhaps even more so now that he’s read the parts about “some weird ass trial shit.”

Morris went on to explain the only reading materials in the Alpha Company day room available for CQ duty were a Bible and the Constitution as a punishment, after a female medic found the many decades-old stash of pornography. In light of recent events, Morris has decided that he will continue his regular church attendance without reading the Bible.

The Shammer and Dirk Diggler contributed to this story.

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