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SPECIAL REPORT: The gate guard at your base is dating your mom

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YOUR HOME — You thought being stationed close to home would be a good idea, since you could hang out with old friends, see family more often, and pocket a little BAH while living at home.

But that all came crashing down when you realized that your mom’s new boyfriend looked all too familiar, sources confirmed today.

At first you couldn’t quite put your finger on it, then that next morning as you were driving onto base, it hit you: One of the gate guards at your base is dating your mom.

You couldn’t mask your discomfort when you pulled up Gate A1 and handed him your ID, officials said. They added that you tried not to make eye contact but you subtly wanted to make sure you weren’t crazy and took one more glance.

“Fuck! Yup, it’s him,” you reportedly said, before noticing that he just winked at you.

He looks like a nice enough guy, although he seems to have the gracefulness of a traffic cone blowing in the wind, according to some reports.

Officials say you’re already picturing him sitting at the dinner table asking you things like, “what made you want to join the military”, “what’s it like being a hero”, and “did you know how beautiful your mother is?”

It’s also been confirmed that he will inevitably tell you about what service he went into in a long drawn-out story that will feel like an eternity. When you’re left alone with him in the kitchen, officials say he will go on about how he used to “chase tail” when he was your age in a undeniably gross encounter.

Still, sources say you shouldn’t even start thinking about when she eventually breaks up with him.

You’re going to have to track down his schedule and make sure you don’t go to whatever gate he’s working that day and his hours, a source added, since “this is your life now.”

At press time, your mom just posted something on Facebook that says “Going out for a special night with a special somebody,” followed by four heart emojis, 4 more kissy face emojis, and one wink emoji.

“God fucking damn it,” you reportedly said.

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