THE WHITE HOUSE — President Donald Trump on Monday released his long-awaited strategy for Afghanistan, saying that he plans to surge thousands of additional US troops and open a new Trump Hotel in downtown Kabul, sources confirmed today.
“We believe the two biggest issues facing Afghanistan are a lack of security and economic development. This plan tackles both,” Trump said during a press conference.
Citing Trump’s stellar business acumen and record for making deals, officials claim the new hotel will be the first of many economic development projects the US government will pay for in Afghanistan. Other plans include a chain of Trump-themed resorts and casinos, as well as an annual beauty pageant the president is anticipated to judge.
“We are going to make Afghanistan great again,” said a Trump organization spokesman on condition of anonymity. “And we’re excited to help the people of Afghanistan and bring in millions off the huge influx of defense contractors and troops my dad, I mean, our president will be sending.”
According to market research conducted by the Department of Agriculture, there has been a steady rise in disposable income among a segment of consumers in Afghanistan who identify as ‘Taliban.’ Economic development experts at the US Agency for International Development (USAID) and Department of Defense (DOD) believe the war in Afghanistan can only be won by targeting this particular sub-set of consumers.
“The goal is to attract ‘Taliban’ consumers to the negotiating table by offering them irresistible discount travel deals to Trump-themed properties around the world,” said the Trump spokesman. “If that doesn’t work, US military advisors will simply bomb them into oblivion.”
The new strategy was widely hailed by Trump’s family and friends as a brilliant, refreshing new way to tackle what seems like an impossible task of bringing security and stability to a country long plagued by terrorism.
Afghan President Ashraf Ghani could not be reached for comment, as he was on vacation at his Mul-a-lago residence in southern Afghanistan.