THE PENTAGON — The U.S. military’s senior enlisted man says he will personally travel to Syria soon to personally beat ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi over the head with an entrenching tool, sources confirmed today.
Army Command Sgt. Maj. John Troxell, the senior enlisted adviser to Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Joe Dunford, vowed to strangle and bludgeon al-Baghdadi if the terror group leader does not surrender.
“ISIS needs to understand that the Joint Force is on orders to annihilate them,” Troxell said in a video posted to Facebook. “So, they have two options should they decide to come up against the United States, our allies and partners: surrender or die!”
“And let me tell you one more thing: I WANT AL-BAGHDADI! I WANT AL-BAGHDADI!” Troxell added, before slamming his hands on the table in front of him and pointing directly at the camera.
According to sources, Troxell has been seen in recent days walking around the Pentagon carrying only his personal E-Tool, which he often pats into his opposite hand during meetings. The soldier was also spotted in his office sharpening a large Bowie knife and applying camouflage face paint, a senior defense official said.
“We will kill [ISIS] with extreme prejudice,” Troxell told reporters. “That means dropping bombs on them, shooting them in the face, beating them to death with our entrenching tools, stomping on their lips with our boots, pushing them over cliffs as they scream for mercy, and capturing them, sewing their assholes shut, and continuing to feed them until they burst.”
Although Troxell is excited at the prospect of turning Baghdadi’s face into a bloody mush with his E-Tool, sources at Pentagon supply warn the sergeant major will have to pay for the gear if there is any excess blood on it.