FORT JACKSON, S.C. – Bitcoin futures today suffered from heightened volatility due to rumors of a possible two-day extension of MRE rations, soldiers on a field exercise reported.
“I thought that trading my jalapeño cheese for .00000387 Bitcoin was a good choice three days ago,” said Pfc. Josh Warner. “But now that there are rumors that we’ll have MREs instead of mermites tomorrow and the end of FIELDEX BBQ is cancelled because of a DUI from another unit, I’m realizing that the value of that MRE cheese would have tripled if I held onto it until tomorrow.”
The meteoric rise of cryptocurrencies has been difficult to study, many economists say, because of the volatile nature of Bitcoin and periodic illiquidity, especially when held in contrast to jalapeno cheese.
Though few privates at the field op had invested in Bitcoin, those who had saw the currency as “a sure bet.”
“Bitcoin is a smart, solid, investment,” said barracks broker Spc. Terry Copswell. “I recommend an investment portfolio heavy in rims, Ford Mustangs, Bitcoin, and starting your own multi-level marketing franchise. I think Warner made a good move. There’s always more MRE cheese out there somewhere, but who knows if you’ll be able to get into Bitcoin later.”
At the time of reporting, a light, demoralizing rain had begun to fall, and jalapeno cheese had soared to a stunning .0028 bitcoin, six pieces of snack bread, or two packages of skittles.
Futures on Copenhagen were unavailable, as supply had bottomed out.