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Corps’ top leaders warn Marines to stop eating Tide Pods


WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps’ top leaders have warned junior troops to stop eating Tide Pods after a number of Marines have been hospitalized due to poisoning, sources confirmed today.

“I don’t care what you guys do. Hell, you can even go back to drunken driving. Just stop eating laundry detergent, for Christ’s sake,” said Gen. Robert Neller, the Marine Commandant.

Top officials have expressed concern in recent days over a number of incidents involving enlisted troops taking part in the “Tide Pod Challenge,” a viral internet campaign that challenges people to put laundry detergent in their mouth in order to raise awareness for Charles Darwin.

Although health experts have issued various statements explaining the challenge could be deadly, a number of Marines have taken this as a challenge in itself to prove their battlefield prowess.

“Nobody is going to tell me I can’t eat Tide Pods if I want to,” said Lance Cpl. Evan Miller from his hospital bed. According to barracks sources, over the weekend Miller attempted to eat three pods at the same time before chasing it with his favorite Burnt Sienna-flavored crayon.

So far, the number of Marines hospitalized due to poisoning from the challenge has been less than 100, though defense officials fear that number will rise as more Marines pass on troublesome rumors that they can eat Tide Pods to give them more energy on hikes or give them a boost in upper body strength.

“Let’s just pray that no one starts a rumor that the Spartans ate Tide Pods before battle,” Neller said. “Then I’ll have tell the president my entire service branch is combat ineffective.”

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