FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Referring to his opponent’s ability to outwit him completely on the battlefield, 2nd Lt. Chad Byers confessed that the inanimate green targets used to symbolize the enemy during a recent training event were “totally inside [his] OODA loop.”
According to sources, the reusable paper, or occasionally plastic, objects were able to overwhelm Byers’ forces despite the extensive planning he did for the exercise.
“I’ve thrown everything I have at them, but I can’t break through their lines,” said Byers during a lull in the fighting. “The sons of bitches have the high ground.”
Byers’ assault initially looked like it would be successful, but he was forced to pull back after his platoon incurred seven simulated casualties. Observers say he barely managed to stall the enemy counterattack with a notional artillery strike before the stress of mock combat became too much for him to handle.
“Fall back! The green bastards are everywhere! I can’t decide! I can’t act!” shouted a delirious Byers as he fumbled over his map. “We’re all gonna die!”
Other members of the platoon eventually managed to pull him out of his frenzied state by administering a cocktail of energy drink and chewing tobacco into his lip.
“What’s the plan, lieutenant?” yelled Sgt. Chris Raines, slapping Byers across the face to get him to focus. “If anyone can get us out of this hellhole it’s you.”
Byers was last seen charging headlong at the enemy under the cover of a nonexistent tank platoon after solemnly uttering “Tell my mother I love her” to a nearby corporal.