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Navy

Littoral Combat Ship actually Figurative Combat Ship

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WASHINGTON — Following years of controversy surrounding the Navy’s Littoral Combat Ship program, experts have deemed that the ship is, literally, a Figurative Combat Ship.

“It’s the best ‘combat ship’ fielded by any country in history,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer, indicating air quotes around the words ‘combat ship.’ “Metaphorically speaking, of course.”

While theoretically the ship is able to dominate the coastline littorals of any region on Earth, in reality, experts say it is littorally literally useless.

“The fact is that, while the ship is figuratively weaker than a piece of aluminum, it is literally made of aluminum,” said ship expert Bert Callahan. “Sometimes the Navy can’t even find its ‘Type-C’ littoral ships.”

Beginning in 2020, the Navy plans to shift procurement priorities to the new FFG(X), or Figurative Frigate (X), program, but dozens of Figurative Combat Ships will remain in service for decades to come.

“To be honest,” added Spencer, “I literally don’t even know what ‘littoral’ means.”

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers. @theschmedium

Army

Navy pranks Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat just before Army-Navy game

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PHILADELPHIA — Midshipmen carried on a long tradition of friendly hijinks just before their collegiate rivalry game by pranking Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat to just “get in their heads” before the big game today.

“We thought, what if these guys who aren’t old enough to drink figure out they’ve dedicated their futures to sprawling forever wars?” said Midshipman Michael Nelson, the senior leading the prank. “Who could mimic the tactics of war for screaming football fans? Once they hold the knowledge that blood and sacrifice will never accomplish the political ends we call victory, they’ll never be able to focus on the game. Navy Wins! Dude, we pwned them good.”

“Plus, after that thing with the Air Force Falcon, we didn’t want to touch animals.” added Nelson.

Nelson got the idea for the hilarious prank while making an Army-Navy rivalry video in his room in Bancroft Hall.

“We ran out of gay jokes, and I was thinking about getting stationed in Oahu with my hot first wife while West Point’s players were going to be leading pointless presence patrols on a route called futility. That’s when I realized that it was the perfect prank!” he said.

Darnell Woolfolk, West Point’s starting running back, fell victim to the hijinks late Friday night when his roommate’s sort of hot cousin called. Little did he know she was working for Team Navy and would subtly let him know that win or lose, he could look forward to multiple rotations in the same wars his father fought.

“I was really pumped up for the game.” Said Woolfolk. “I was listening to Future and thinking about crushing Navy. Then I slowly started thinking about the sacrifices I was making for an American populace that grows further disconnected and disinterested in what we say we’re fighting for. I immediately snuck into Washington Hall to eat spaghetti on ice cream from our special athlete refrigerators.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Woolfolk added, staring into an existential void of multiple deployments, football-induced brain injuries, and strawberry ice cream. “None of it matters anymore.”

As a battered copy of the ‘The Quaker Guide to Gaining Conscientious Objector Status” circulated around the student section of Lincoln Financial Field, West Point’s Corps of Cadets fought back in the healthy spirit of inter-service rivalry by reminding the Brigade of Midshipmen that soon, they’d be wearing an Army uniform and calling themselves “sand sailors” no matter how many aircraft carriers Congress to gave them.

The practical joke strategy worked so well that Navy plans to get in conference rival Tulane’s head by reminding them about the crippling interest rate on student loan debt and the chances of finding job after graduation.

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Navy

Zip-tied Somali pirates bet on how many SEAL memoirs they’ll be in

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MOGADISHU, Somalia — Four zip-tied Somali nationals placed bets on how many Navy SEAL memoirs they would be featured in, according to three SEAL memoirs already published since yesterday’s stand-off.

“Three shots in the dark, and the sacred rite of warfare had ended,” read one description of the mission in 2nd Class Petty Officer Jim MacDonald’s memoir “After Action: Hindsight through NVGs.” “It was a scene that has played out countless times in history: a little boat rocking in the moonlight that was like the gaze of Valhalla, a band of pirates arguing heatedly about how many airport bookstores would carry ghostwritten accounts of their capture.”

Another account of the event appeared in 2nd Class Petty Officer Joe Silvo’s “No Fear: Lessons on Hard Core Leadership for Market Uncertainty.”

“Hard core leaders eat accountability for breakfast,” read the opening paragraph of Chapter One: Hard Core Competencies. “But it can also make even the hardest core leaders feel vulnerable. For instance, when a band of pirates ridiculed me to tears as shameless self-promoter who would disgrace the Navy by cashing in on the prestige of the SEAL name to sell schlock to corporate executives, I almost didn’t ask them for a quote for this book.”

The betting took place after SEAL snipers killed three armed pirates who had taken an American oil tanker crew hostage in a small boat in the Gulf of Aden. Four Somalis were left to contemplate their fates as the SEALs moved in.

“As the bow of our boat parted the mist, we heard groans of agony rising from the pirate’s dinghy,” recalled Chief Petty Officer Ruben Martinez in “Crunch Time: Navy SEAL Secrets to Rock-Hard Abs.”

“Prepared for an ugly scene, we were surprised to find the pirates alert and unharmed, resigned to the fact that they would be reduced to two-dimensional caricatures in the many, many books that would be written about this non-event.”

The captives were driven to piracy by social and environmental forces that were out of their control, which should be considered when depicting them in film or literature, according to screenwriter Katherine Heller who designed the memoir-writing phase of SEAL Qualification Training.

“Picture a community devastated by war, disease, starvation, and neglect, and drop it right at the edge of the sea,” she told a class Wednesday, underlining “Raise The Stakes” on a chalkboard. “It’s the brutal friction between these two realities — the barbarity of man, the endlessness mystery of the raging ocean — that wrought these charact … I mean, survivors, and drove them to confrontation with the most hardened killers in the US military.”

“This is ‘Lone Survivor‘-level sales for anyone who does it right,” she added.

As Duffel Blog went to press, the four as-yet unnamed men were en route to a holding facility in Norfolk, Virginia, where they will face a grueling schedule of interviews by the hundreds of SEALs currently writing memoirs.

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Navy

Level 63 Paladin granted religious exemption to grow neckbeard

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FORT MEADE, Md. – A sailor successfully petitioned for unrestrained growth of his facial hair on the grounds of religious expression, sources aboard Cryptologic Warfare Group Six revealed today.

The Navy’s controversial determination allows the pious sailor to keep with his World of Warcraft (WoW) faith as a devoted servant of the Holy Light and follows closely on the heels of a recent decision by the Air Force granting a Muslim airman the right to wear a beard.

“Lo, a glorious day for Azeroth, indeed, that I might champion the cause of my brothers,” declared local holy warrior, Quest4Cameltō, squeezing one of the many pustular follicles erupting from the pubescent tangle of greasy, unkempt hair below his chins.

Quest4Cameltō, a paladin from the holdfast of Stromgarde, goes by the title of Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) Seaman Kevin Dietrich in the material world and practices the foreign tongue of ancient Mesopotamia, providing translations and intelligence reports for further analysis.

“Alas, please refrain from addressing me as such,” the godly knight requested. “Verily, I am but a lowly Level 3 peon amongst the uniformed ranks of the Navy, but here,” he said, with a sweeping gesture towards his two, 32-inch 4K UHD monitors, “Here, I am a mighty Level 63 guardian of justice, smiting the wicked and dealing swift retribution to the minions of the Burning Legion.”

WoW is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game worshiped by many sailors and members of the intelligence community. Practicers assume alternate identities as mighty heroes and intrepidly embark on mystical quests with friends and strangers in the pursuit of loot and experience points.

“This is my life,” said Dietrich, proudly sporting the facial hair customary to males of his order.

Grooming standards have prohibited sailors from growing beards since 1984, although medical exemptions have been granted on a case-by-case basis for sailors afflicted with pseudofolliculitis barbae — colloquially known as “razor bumps.” The relentless and unforgiving skin condition predominantly affects Black Americans and service members who deliberately shave against the grain in order to obtain a no-shave chit.

Dietrich had long fought to rectify the injustices the Navy levied against his religious beliefs, according to colleagues, and ultimately resorted to filing a grievance under the Equal Opportunity Program.

“Who am I to stand between a man-child and his god?” asked Gerald Housemann, inspector general for U.S. Fleet Cyber Command. “These determinations must be divined by powers greater than mine own.”

The resplendent paladin’s case is the latest in a flurry of efforts by the Navy to relax grooming standards, including permission for male and female sailors to wear their hair in man-buns and ponytails.

As the quest for unchecked religious equality presses on, Dietrich was spotted at medical seeking exemption from the Body Composition Assessment.

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Air Force

Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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Army

Troops deploy to Alamo for dramatic last stand against migrant caravan

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SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.

“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.

The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.

“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.

“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”

Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.

“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.

Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.

“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.

“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”

At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Navy

Navy SEALs no longer allowed to wear blackface

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Special operators will no longer be allowed to wear black face paint after biting criticism from activist groups, sources confirmed today.

The move is aimed to stop the controversial practice of channeling one’s inner black dude before infiltrating a compound.

“We are not 100 percent woke, but this is a big step,” said Lt. Gen. Scott Howell, the current nominee to head Joint Special Operations Command. “We must stop perpetuating the stereotype that all black people are good at tactical operations.”

Recent studies show “blending in with the dark of night” to be a racist artifact of the past. SEALs will now be required to use inclusive rainbow patterns and biodegradable glitter.

“I never felt like I was being racist,” said Petty Officer 1st Class James Largo, “but I understand how cultural biases can find concealment in the covert corners of your mind.”

The changes, which go into effect next month, have support of allies and critics alike. Even hostile countries like Syria and Somalia are excited for the progressive step forward.

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Navy

‘Top Gun: Maverick’ filming halted after entire fleet of CGI F-35s grounded

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NORFOLK, Va. — Filming of the highly anticipated sequel to 1986 hit “Top Gun” was halted last week after the entire fleet of CGI F-35s was grounded, sources confirm today.

Top Gun: Maverick“, which began filming in mid-August aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, stars Tom Cruise returning to his iconic role as U.S. Naval aviator Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. The film is rumored to center around F-35s going head-to-head against unmanned enemy drones.

The movie’s director, Joe Kosinski, made the tough call to shut down filming while CGI experts could create a virtual Congressional oversight committee to raise digitized funds and lobby for a functional version of the troubled fighter jet in all 50 states.

“These things are nearly worthless,” said Kosinski. “I tasked the tech guys with creating a computer-generated, highly versatile aircraft that would make for an effective war-fighting platform depiction. They modeled it on the real-life F-35s, and the result has been disastrous.”

Kosinski was referring to two virtual incidents. The first occurred during a rehearsal run when a CGI F-35 malfunctioned on takeoff and crashed into a populated urban area theoretically killing 439 people.

The second mishap occurred shortly after filming began.

“Then, as soon as the cameras started rolling, one of the fictional CGI F-35s lost its thrusters and crashed into the ocean,” Kosinski said. “There wasn’t really a splash, though. Anyway, we finally decided to make the tough call to ground the entire fleet of all of the non-existent aircraft.”

Rumors of the F-35s’ failures had circulated early during production. An anonymous source previously predicted that production would likely be suspended, citing financial difficulties, delays on getting the non-existent aircraft airborne, and aircraft maintainers identified as Dental Cat 3 for virtual deployment.

“This film is going to crash and burn,” said Jerry Bruckheimer, who is producing the film. “We have wasted enough time and money on the CGI F-35s, and it would be insane to continue throwing good money after bad money.”

The CGI F-35s — along with the movie itself — have been in development for nearly 17 years. Despite the money and man-hours devoted to getting the jets into the air, they continue to be plagued by glitches, malfunctions, and complete failures.

The studio is currently looking into whether they should change course and return to the more reliable and cost effective better-performing CGI F-14s, based on the model of aircraft that easily defeated the CGI F-35s in recent air-to-air combat tests.

“Top Gun: Maverick” is scheduled to be released in July 2019.

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