WASHINGTON — Following years of controversy surrounding the Navy’s Littoral Combat Ship program, experts have deemed that the ship is, literally, a Figurative Combat Ship.
“It’s the best ‘combat ship’ fielded by any country in history,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer, indicating air quotes around the words ‘combat ship.’ “Metaphorically speaking, of course.”
While theoretically the ship is able to dominate the coastline littorals of any region on Earth, in reality, experts say it is littorally literally useless.
“The fact is that, while the ship is figuratively weaker than a piece of aluminum, it is literally made of aluminum,” said ship expert Bert Callahan. “Sometimes the Navy can’t even find its ‘Type-C’ littoral ships.”
Beginning in 2020, the Navy plans to shift procurement priorities to the new FFG(X), or Figurative Frigate (X), program, but dozens of Figurative Combat Ships will remain in service for decades to come.
“To be honest,” added Spencer, “I literally don’t even know what ‘littoral’ means.”
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