WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis placed an Amazon ‘Dash Button’ on President Donald Trump’s desk that orders a 12-pack of Doritos while telling him it was for launching a nuclear strike on North Korea, sources confirmed today.
The move came just days after the president taunted North Korean leader Kim Jong-un on Tuesday, mentioning that he had a “nuclear button on his desk at all times” but his was much bigger and more powerful.
White House staffers placed masking tape over the Doritos logo of the button, and wrote ‘Boom Button’ on it with permanent marker, sources said.
“At first we thought about using a Staples ‘That Was Easy’ button, but after much deliberation we thought that he might just keep pressing it just for the way it sounds, therefore eliminating one problem while creating a new one,” said Deputy Chief of Staff Joe Hagin.
Sources say that Mattis met with the president to discuss North Korea strategy earlier this week, calming him with three cheeseburgers, a 12-pack of Diet Coke, and a marathon session of Fox News.
The Pentagon chief eventually convinced the commander-in-chief that the shiny big button on his desk was the “super dangerous nuke button” and only the most important and most powerful person in the whole wide world could use it.
White House technicians were even able to connect it to his television, which would play the nuclear explosion scene from Terminator 2 after it was pressed, according to one senior official.
Aware that Trump might be able to tell that North Korea wasn’t destroyed after hitting the button, sources confirmed that aides decided to use the mountain of Doritos he’ll end up ordering as a distraction.
“We’re thinking of maybe turning the Lincoln bedroom into a Doritos Pool or something,” said White House aide Jeffrey Bertram, adding that his backup plan was to use a Mountain Dew Dash Button in case things got out of hand.
“Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s admirable that he’s standing up to the world’s lunatics,” Bertram told reporters. “But I think that only because he’s one of them.”