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Navy gets around personnel shortage by making each Sailor 30% larger

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NORFOLK, Va. — The U.S. Navy announced it would forgive past fitness test failures and halt fitness discharges in an attempt to keep the overall size of the Navy the same despite recent manning cuts, sources confirmed today.

“Ships are measured in tonnage, and now, shipmates will be, too,” said Rear Adm. Joseph Simms, commander of Navy Personnel Command. “Those pencil pushers can take away the number of Sailors we have, but not the amount of Sailors we have.”

The move, announced last week, promises to save the Navy additional costs by reducing the need for ballast.

“We estimate that each Sailor will need to be about 30% larger to keep the total volume of the Navy the same,” continued Simms.

As part of the move, the Navy plans to save additional funds by making each personal floatation device thinner “because fat Sailors float better.”

The stay on fitness discharges has been a relief to many Sailors, particularly around the holiday season when many of the sad, twice-divorced, senior officers enforcing the policy would like to be in a hotel room alone with their Exchange Select scotch and KFC. Others are worried that the break on fitness standards will be short-lived and will not coincide with the vending machine near the galley being restocked with Reese’s Pieces.

“Look, it’s not a fitness test, it’s an intelligence test,” said Master Chief Petty Officer Martin Gallagher. “If they can’t figure out how to get someone to lie about push-ups and sit ups for them, they don’t’ deserve to stay in.”

Salty Sam and Drew Ferrol contributed to this article.

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