The following is a point/counterpoint discussion about greeting a female officer. The point will be presented by a male Marine lance corporal. The counterpoint will be presented by every female Marine officer who has ever been called sir.
Point: Good morning sir!
Counterpoint: Do I look like I have a dick and balls to you?
Point: I … um …
Counterpoint: I have waist-length hair pinned up in a bun the size of a mother effing grapefruit on my head. What part about that screams “sir” to you?
Point: Sorry sir, I didn’t see your hair. I just saw you benching 300 pounds at the gym — nice job!
Counterpoint: Have you seen “Kindergarten Cop?” Remember that part about “Boys have penises, girls have vaginas?”
Point: Sir, my first sergeant doesn’t let us watch TV.
Counterpoint: Holy shit, am I taking crazy pills?
Point: Sir, the doc could probably give you some Motrin and water if you need it.
Counterpoint: You know there are women in the Marine Corps now, right? We’ve been here about 100 years.
Point: Yes sir! My granny served in World War II.
Counterpoint: Did sweet granny ever tell you what to call a female Marine officer?
Point: Well, granny said they used to call ‘em WAVES or WMs for “Women Marines,” but I think they just like to be called Marines now.
Counterpoint: WAIT. You’re a gamer, aren’t you? Listen: despite what you’ve heard in Halo and Star Trek, you call female officers Ma’am, and regardless of the fact that I can lift double what you can, I am in fact female.
Point: Roger that, ma’am. My apologies, ma’am.
Counterpoint: Very well, carry-on, Marine. And do the Corps a favor by using that bag of Tide pods in your hand to wash your filthy-ass uniform instead of trying to see how many you can fit in your mouth.
Duffel Blog writer Ted Heller contributed to this article.