CAMP CASEY, Korea — An intelligence analyst tasked with looking into the capabilities of the North Korean military believes he’s a perfect fit as the Vegeta character in the animated series Dragon Ball Z, sources confirmed today.
“I would soo be Vegeta,” claims specialist Jimmy Garriott, an all-source analyst from the battalion S-2 shop. “I mean, we’re pretty much the same person.”
The animated series Dragon Ball Z has been for years a popular cult classic among soldiers, according to officials. Between the trash talking, planet destroying, and bright flashy lights, battle buddies have frequently debated who they would be if tossed into the DBZ universe.
Vegeta, or Prince Vegeta, is one of the strongest fighters among the cast of characters. Part of a spartan warrior race known as the Saiyans, Vegeta is a fan favorite due to his strong sense of pride, drive to be the best, and merciless combat tactics.
“Prince of all Saiyans?” replied Spc. Allen Moran, Garriott’s roommate. “I dunno, does the prince of all Saiyans stand at parade rest while the first sergeant reams his ass for leaving cans of Mountain Dew Code Red all over the company day room? Then yeah, maybe that’s Garriott.”
Soldiers in the unit familiar with the show have also questioned Spc. Garriott’s claim after he scored a 184 on his last record APFT, just 4 points above the minimum. Surely Vegeta would strive to do better, and have more pride than to ask a private first class to pace him on a two-mile run.
“I’ve got lower back pain,” said Garriott, “but if I were Saiyan, I’d be training non-stop! Me and Vegeta even have the same take-no-prisoners mindset when it comes to battle. That’s why I’m the soldier with the top secret clearance.”
“He has this plastic cup and a cardboard coaster,” Moran said. “That he uses for catching bugs, so he can release them outside. I bet he tried wiggling his clearance into the conversation, didn’t he?”
He added: “Cpl. Rodriguez normally crushes the bugs after Garriott goes back in. He also has the top PT score, so maybe Rod’s the prince of all Saiyans!”
After tracking down Cpl. Rodriguez at the gym, according to sources, he appeared less invested in the debate than Spc. Garriott.
“He still talking about that shit?” responded Cpl. Rodriguez when asked about the matter. “I really don’t care, but I can say that I have plowed a blue-haired juicy girl,” said the corporal with a wink, referring to both Vegeta’s love interest Bulma, and the human trafficked drink girls at the bars off post.
“Don’t worry, I wasn’t breaking any rules,” said Rodriguez. “I never have to buy a drink for a juicy girl, they just give it when they see me.”
“All hail the prince, baby!” Rodriguez added.