THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis is considering banning cell phones in the Pentagon after two of his shirtless selfies were screen-shotted by various employees, sources told Duffel Blog Friday.
“As an advocate of a safe and healthy working environment for all employees, to include the uppermost levels of management, Secretary Mattis’s concern is that certain members of staff might, for lack of a better way to put it, put him on blast,” one senior defense official told reporters.
Renowned as an intellectual among military leadership, sources who knew Mattis as a junior officer in the Marine Corps say he was also known to maintain a high level of personal fitness.
“This guy was taking selfies before they were a thing,” a source said. “This was 1969, and he’d be in the mirror taking shot after shot of his traps and pecs. Even as a general, we called him Zoolander.”
Sources say the popular mobile app Snapchat provided a new outlet for the general’s penchant for risqué self-portraiture.
“Right around 2014 is when he started with the snaps,” said one former aide. “He’d lock himself in his study for hours, and, of course, everyone thinks he’s in there reading Lao Tzu or Otto von Bismarck. Meanwhile, he’s about to pop a blood vessel in his neck flexing in the mirror. He’d send like 14 snaps a day.”
It was all in good fun, the aide said, until Mattis learned about the screenshot notification this week.
“At first he was bragging that people wanted to store the pictures. He was strutting around the hallways, wondering if he’d end up on the cover of Men’s Health magazine. But, suddenly it dawned on him that these pictures could appear inappropriate.”
According to officials, Mattis called for an all-hands meeting in his office earlier this week.
“He had the IT department explaining that some of his pictures had been captured. He was in a rage,” an official familiar with the meeting told reporters. “He broke out a little baggie of creatine, cut a few lines on the conference table, and just started snorting and snorting.”
“I suddenly understood why some people called him Mad Dog,” the official said.
In his rage, Mattis forced those in attendance to exercise doing leg lifts and burpees in order to motivate them to find a solution.
“The only way we were allowed to stop was by suggesting a solution to the situation,” one attendee said. “Someone suggested President Trump outlaw Snapchat, while another floated the idea of burning down The Washington Post.”
Someone finally suggested a cell phone ban, which Mattis liked since it wouldn’t “trigger the panty-waists at the ACLU,” said another source, who had ice wraps around his arms.