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Trump orders Pentagon to conduct military parade and make North Korea pay for it


WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has ordered the Pentagon to begin planning a massive military parade to be held in downtown Washington, which he promised he would make North Korea pay for, sources confirmed today.

The order for a display of military might — replete with aircraft, tanks, and troops — came during a January meeting between Trump and top military generals, in which they discussed important national security matters such as the war in Yemen and how to handle Kim Jong-un, in addition to Trump’s golf game, his favorite color, and “that hot piece of ass Melania,” according to two sources present.

“When I went to France, they put on a huge military parade for me,” Trump said, emphasizing the word huge. “Why can’t we do something like that here?”

According to sources, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis initially pushed back on the request, telling the president that a parade would waste millions of dollars and training time as the Pentagon struggles with readiness and maintenance challenges amid sequestration. Trump, however, told Mattis that he would make North Korea pay for it.

“I want a parade. I want it now!” he added, before covering his ears and stomping his feet around the room.

Although the parade is still in the early planning stages, a senior defense official said it would be roughly three hours long, and would showcase thousands of the Army’s Abrams tanks that it doesn’t want anymore. The parade would also feature a flyover of an F-35 as its pilot struggles to breathe, while tens of thousands of service members march in uniform and dream of the day they finally get out.

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