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US unexpectedly replaces entire Olympic Skating Team with Marine lance corporals

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PYEONGCHANG, South Korea — Just days after the Winter Olympics kicked off, the United States has unexpectedly replaced its entire Skating Team with Marine lance corporals, sources confirmed today.

It’s just the latest move by Washington to show support and appreciation for U.S. troops, officials say. Although many questioned the abilities of the all-Marine team, their superiors and peers alike all described their skating abilities as “prolific.”

“He’s brilliant, an absolute master of his craft,” Lance Cpl. Mark Maker told reporters of his roommate, Lance Cpl. Michael “Chazz” Michaels. “Michaels spends nearly every waking moment at work skating. Recently he’s been skating so hard that he’s been permanently removed from the duty roster. I wasn’t surprised at all when he was deemed one of the best skaters in the world.”

Since then, according to sources, Michaels has has been preparing at the Olympic Village, fine-tuning his routine at the medical center by complaining of carpel tunnel syndrome as a reason to avoid mandatory briefings before the upcoming games.

Duffel Blog attempted to interview the athletes several times, but scheduling conflicts forced us to ask questions only over voice chat in a Call of Duty: WWII multiplayer lobby between matches.

When asked about the games, Lance Cpl. Miranda Williams told reporters she was “super busy with training and stuff,” but could not elaborate since she had to get to a dental appointment.

And Michaels, for his part, said he has still found time to do important things in support of his country, like getting black-out drunk and yelling poorly-translated profanities at the North Korean athletes.

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