KELLEY BARRACKS, Germany — A number of psychopathic patrons of Kelley Fitness Center are not wearing shower shoes while changing or showering, sources confirmed today.
“It’s something I see every day,” said Senior Chief Petty Officer Phil Kubiak, who works in the Africa Command J7 section. “Guys just standing there, on the bare concrete floor, in nothing but their feet. No shower shoes or nothing.”
“A lot of these guys are older, retired colonels or whatever, they’ve been around soldiers for decades, so you’d think they would know better,” agreed Staff Sgt. Brian Welter, an assistant watch NCO in the joint operations center. “Who in their right mind would put their bare feet on a surface that other service members have sweated and farted and gotten their grossness all over it?”
When confronted about their un-hygienic habit, many of the perpetrators remained unrepentant.
“It’s just a tile floor,” said Trey Norris, a retired Air Force colonel who is now a GS-15 and puts in four hard hours a day in the J-35, although he bills for eight. “It’s not a big deal. If you’ve just taken a shower, the 10-second walk in bare feet back to your locker isn’t going to give you some kind of disease.”
The Kelley Barracks clinic has confirmed, however, that Norris and several dozen others have been diagnosed with a previously-uncategorized illness that Army medical researchers have tentatively called “Foot AIDS.”
“Foot hygiene is the very least of our concerns,” said Marine Brig. Gen. Travis Lasley (Ret.), now the civilian deputy intelligence officer. “I’m much more worried about those offensive posters in the locker room about ‘lockers are for daily use only’ and don’t leave your stuff in there overnight. Did they have to put an Asian woman in a sports bra on the poster? That’s the last thing I need when I’m trying to get changed in the locker room. High school kids come in here to work out, you know.”
A survey of Lasley’s medical records confirmed he was treated on nine different occasions for STDs after western Pacific deployments. Counterintelligence personnel also reported that Lasley is currently being honey-potted by a not-that-pretty female Algerian collection agent at the Dormero hotel, mere blocks from Kelley Barracks.
For all the uproar, however, the practice is unlikely to change, as base officials are loathe to impose rules on the locker room, suggesting that gym personnel should be responsible for such regulation changes. For now, patrons are still allowed to track whatever disgusting filth they have on their feet around the locker room with them, contributing to the petri dish of skin disease currently growing in the Kelley gym like The Andromeda Strain.
Even the female locker room is not immune to the practice, according to Sgt. 1st Class Evelyn Huck, who works in the J1.
“You think bare feet are the problem?” Huck asked, incredulous. “Just once I’d like to get changed in there without having to see a bunch of middle-aged vaginas.
“So…so much bush,” she whispered, shuddering.