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DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: CrossFit tips for beginners


Soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines! Are you looking to get into a hot new fad/insane death cult? Are you interested in looking like you’re working out, but not really working out? Then CrossFit might be for you!

You should know that doing CrossFit is not like your normal workout. Here are some tips to help you quickly acclimate into the fitness program’s unique culture.

1. You need to have a pre-workout drink. Get a clear plastic cup with a metal shaking ball and mix up a big ol’ batch of Muscle Milk, Protein Shot, Crea-Splode, or Kentucky Nightmare BroYoke Mix. Add a shot of bullshark semen to get that extra kick.

2. Wear appropriate attire. as little as possible. Men, wear Ranger Panties and preferably no shirt, but if you do wear a shirt, make it as moto as possible — something from Grunt Style, Inkfidel, or RangerUp about slaying bodies or something. Ladies, wear a tiny sports bra that shows everything but your nipples, and shorts that are so small that people can actually see inside your butthole — but remember to scowl furiously at any guy you catch checking you out!

And everybody, remember, knee-high, brightly colored (preferably mismatched) socks are a must.

3. Use weights that LOOK like they are hundred pounders, but are in actuality just 35s. This will make you feel super yoked without having to actually build muscle.

4. Pay zero attention to form. If you’re worried about proper form, you’re not doing it right, and you’re probably gay and a commie. Why do you hate America?

5. When performing the exercises, lift with your back, not your legs, and be sure to use wrenching, jerking motions rather than smooth extensions. We’re not making a calendar here — we’re making YOU fucking YOKED!

6. At the end of each set, throw the weights down like you are furious at the floor. A proper final rep is only complete when the bar and weights have penetrated through the flooring into the upper mantle of the tectonic plate.

7. Be sure you don’t call it a “gym.” True CrossFit can only be done at a “box.” They may be completely the same, but they’re not at all the same. Calling your CrossFit box a “gym” is a sure way to out yourself as a n00b.

8. More terminology: it’s not a “workout plan,” it is “programming.” Be sure to call it programming.

9. Wear those little gloves with the fingertips cut off like you’re Michael Jackson in the BAD video, even if all you’re doing is wall balls, burpees and rowing. Because swole motherfuckers have to keep their hands soft and delicate. It’s for when you’re jacking off your swole bros in the locker room. I MEAN UH, IT’S FOR BETTER GRIP. ON BIG VEINY DI — UH, ON THE WEIGHTS.

10. Constantly talk about CrossFit. Talk about it at work, at school, at church, while eating, pooping, driving, during coitus, and when called upon to testify before the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

So with these quick tips, you’re ready to hit the box and do your programming and get a great time on fun Workouts Of The Day, which have names such as Fran, Horace, and Emilio Estevez, which totally isn’t weird.

Happy CrossFitting!

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