SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN – On the Coast Guard Cutter Venturous, the crew hosted its annual talent show in order to boost morale during the long patrol. However, after all the contestants displayed their various talents, command judges have predictably chosen that one smug asshole with the ukulele as the winner.
The four judges, who consisted of three members of senior command staff and an E-3 just to be cute, graded the contestants on individuality, preparation, and crowd reaction. Granted it had seemed that they already made up their minds considering one performer was juggling spanner wrenches, while another armpit-farted the Semper Paratus song, and another eyebrow danced to Luis Fonsi’s ‘Despacito’.
“I had a feeling that happy-go-lucky piece of shit would win,” said Boatswains Mate First Class Henry Mills, who performed a beatbox routine while dressed as a robot.
Nathan Powell, a Yeoman Second Class who debuted his homemade ukulele, was already a shoe-in at the talent show. Of course Powell built the ukulele himself from spare parts and even painted a Coast Guard emblem on the side for extra points. His devotion to duty and Ed Sheeran-like voice swooned the judges all while the rest of the crew reluctantly accepted their defeat.
“Well, what do you know?” said Mills. “He just had to round out his totally-predictable rendition of ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’ with ‘Tiptoe-Through-The-Fucking-Tulips.’ What a surprise.”
“I’m able to lip-sync every line of ‘I’m On A Boat’ in perfect unison with the original track, and I bought this inflatable mermaid doll to stuff under my crotch during my performance; so fuck that brown nosing, pussy fart with his midget guitar,” said Burt Norling, Venturous’ corpsman, just before losing the event.
Despite the cards stacked against them, the Deck Department also entered the contest dancing to the pop hit “Uptown Funk” while wearing full fire-fighting ensembles. The team had originally planned on choreographing the entire song, but the performance was cut short due to half of them passing out from heat exhaustion.
The first place winner took home a $25 Coast Guard exchange gift card and one day of special liberty, while second place won a copy of the commanding officer’s favorite leadership book and third place received a $5 gift card to Spencer’s Gifts.