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BREAKING: You need to report for a ‘random’ urinalysis

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YOUR BASE — Sources inside the base headquarters office are reporting that you and everyone else in your unit are to report immediately to the base fitness center for what they are calling a ‘random’ urinalysis just one day after the well-known 4/20 date celebrated by marijuana enthusiasts, sources confirmed today.

Defense officials noted that they picked this date through a complicated, totally arbitrary process, that had nothing to do with the historical significance of the day prior and its connection to cannabis consumption.

“We figured that since some members were selected at random, we would select the remaining other members completely at random as well,” your commanding officer told reporters.

The announcement also comes one day after the release of the much-anticipated film Super Troopers 2, which base officials also said is not related to the random selection.

“We are aware that yesterday was a popular day within marijuana culture, as well as the release of a popular sequel to a film among that group,” your CO wrote in a base-wide email. “But we want everyone to be assured this is more an act of inclusivity, that just so happened to randomly fall on this date.”

Along the lines of inclusivity, sources are also saying that, to help ease the burden on the urinalysis monitors, your entire shop will all stand in a few large circles and urinate into cups at the same time, regardless of gender, in a new process the DoD is calling the ‘Golden Circle Initiative.’

Beyond the burden put on the urinalysis monitors, the base exchange has reported members coming in record numbers looking for niacin and cranberry juice.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said McChord Field Main Exchange employee Juan Marquez. “It was manageable to begin with, but at this point, we’ve had people asking every five minutes if there is any more niacin and cranberry juice in the back of the store. We had one loadmaster who had just returned from a mission to South America come in about two hours ago and when we told him we were out he collapsed to his knees and started crying into his hands.”

“It took a chaplain to come and console him before he would get off the floor of the juice aisle,” Marquez added, as he began to cordon off the supplement section.

Service members are ordered to report to the base fitness center anytime between 0800 and 1600 to be assigned a group for the urinalysis, and any member who fails to report will be punished by Article 112 of the UCMJ.

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