JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — What began as a simple drug screening at 5 a.m. has morphed into a battle of wills lasting into the evening, since Spc. Harold Nelson claims he really just doesn’t need to pee, sources confirmed today.
“I hate my life,” said Staff Sgt. Maria Taylor, a battalion S-3 NCO serving as the Headquarters and Headquarters Company’s Unit Prevention Leader (UPL). Staff Sgt. Taylor is responsible for administering the urinalysis and won’t be allowed to pick up her children from daycare until after she has collected all samples.
She added: “This little stoner’s Bob Marley poster is the entire reason the first sergeant had us conduct this random drug test to begin with.”
“Lemme tell you something. All you gotta do…is let it dribble out…just a little at a time,” Spc. Nelson whispered to reporters, then brushing at the inside of his thigh. “You help it evaporate…like this…ain’t nobody the wiser.”
Sgt. Glenn Walton, urinalysis observer, told reporters he and Staff Sgt. Taylor had been force-hydrating Nelson all day to try to induce him to urinate.
“Normally, we’d smoke him with exercises to speed things along, but he has a medical profile for ‘chronic swollen joints’, whatever the hell that means,” Walton said.
Meanwhile, as Sgt. Walton tried explaining the physical limitations of the profile, Spc. Nelson could be heard in the back bursting out into fits of laughter.
“One time, we were at the range all day,” said Nelson. “Pfc. Murphy couldn’t qualify worth a damn. Well, lo and behold, Sgt. Walton eventually decides to do some random target practice one lane over and next thing you know…poof! Murphy’s suddenly a sharpshooter!”
At press time, Sgt. Walton was overheard on the phone trying to convince his spouse that he’d be home soon.
“I’m not insinuating anything,” said Nelson. “But we’re gonna go into that bathroom soon, and let’s just say, my cup is gettin’ filled and everyone’s going home happy.”