NINE PALMS, Ca. — After a cold snap in February wreaked havoc on area flora, the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center 29 Palms was renamed Nine Palms in a somber, mostly-palmless ceremony on Monday.

Twentynine Palms Expeditionary Air Field earlier this year recorded a low temperature of 27 degrees Fahrenheit, with a maximum wind gust of 53 miles per hour and 28 sustained miles per hour, or roughly eight degrees below ass-freeze and five degrees above zero fucking Kelvin, according to two lance corporals familiar with the matter.

The Center was officially renamed the “Nine Palms (and Counting) Training Center” with the approval of the Department of the Navy and precise calculations made by professional arborists who counted the remaining trees. Nine Palms, which hosts combined arms training in order to enhance the combat readiness of operating forces, is known as the one place all Marines hate to serve in, except for that one asshole no one likes who claims to have enjoyed it.