NINE PALMS, Ca. — After a cold snap in February wreaked havoc on area flora, the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center 29 Palms was renamed Nine Palms in a somber, mostly-palmless ceremony on Monday.
Twentynine Palms Expeditionary Air Field earlier this year recorded a low temperature of 27 degrees Fahrenheit, with a maximum wind gust of 53 miles per hour and 28 sustained miles per hour, or roughly eight degrees below ass-freeze and five degrees above zero fucking Kelvin, according to two lance corporals familiar with the matter.
The Center was officially renamed the “Nine Palms (and Counting) Training Center” with the approval of the Department of the Navy and precise calculations made by professional arborists who counted the remaining trees. Nine Palms, which hosts combined arms training in order to enhance the combat readiness of operating forces, is known as the one place all Marines hate to serve in, except for that one asshole no one likes who claims to have enjoyed it.
“Between the temperature and the dry wind, 20 of our beloved palms became stressed and died,” stated a teary Gunnery Sgt. Derrick A. Knutson, an assigned Meteorology and Oceanography analyst forecaster. “We’re lucky they didn’t rename it Dead Palms Walking.”
“It’s like these trees got kicked in the nuts and then got kicked in the balls and then took one to the sack for good measure. Kind of like me these days,” said Marine weather assistant Lance Cpl. Travis S. Kyle, while standing nearby and wielding a pickaxe to dig out dead roots.
Kyle, who like every other lance corporal is planning to leave the Marine Corps as soon as possible, added: “Now I’m thinking about getting a degree in arboriculture so I can drink beer and count trees all day like those guys did.”
“We know these trees can never be replaced,” President Donald Trump tweeted in support, following a Fox News on the issue. “Great trees. Desert palms, which are native to these wonderful United States, reflect the great expeditionary nature of our Marines by going anywhere, anytime, very quickly.”