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NSA updates privacy policy

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FT. MEADE, Md. — The National Security Agency sent more than 2.5 billion emails informing the entire internet that it was updating its privacy policy, sources confirmed today.

A veritable mountain of emails has been collecting in inboxes over the last week as companies from around the world rush to implement the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR), with many struggling to achieve compliance with the new, and quite rigid, policy over how data can be shared between users and companies.  The NSA, however, handled the challenge with the practiced ease of an organization with little to no accountability.

“We’re updating the way we handle your personal data,” the NSA email said. “We know privacy is an important illusion for society, and we want you to know that we take great pride in maintaining that fantasy.”

The use of data has become a hot-button issue for data privacy advocates; companies all over the world took steps to increase their transparency regarding how exactly their customers’ personal data will be used, and the NSA was no exception. According to the email, the NSA had a seventy-point roadmap on how personal data would be used. Unfortunately, the entire document was classified as TOP SECRET. The mass-distributed email, however, answered most questions.

“Here’s a quick summary of the changes we have made in an effort to comply with the changing data privacy landscape,” the email continued, followed by a large space labeled “this space intentionally left blank.”

The use of cookies to track users’ information was a common topic in the discussions around GDPR. Many companies modified the way that these cookies were collected and used, and almost every privacy policy change included a transparent description of the controversial data source.

“We will be using cookies,” the NSA email said.

Army Gen. Paul Nakasone, NSA director, said that the changes have received positive feedback.

“The world of data is an ever-changing landscape,” Nakasone said. “It’s important that the NSA, as the world’s leader in data mining, be at the leading edge of ignoring regulatory and compliance developments. We hope that the billions of individuals who have mindlessly accepted every end user license agreement they’ve ever seen will mistake our empty, disingenuous communication as a gesture of goodwill.”

At the bottom of the email, in accordance with the opt-in requirements of the GDPR, the NSA email presented two buttons: “I consent to the release of all of my private information,” and “I do not consent to the release of all my private information, but understand it will happen anyway.”

“You do not need to take any action to receive the benefits of these non-changes,” the NSA email assured the curious public. “In fact, taking any action will be considered aiding and abetting terrorism. Tangentially, did you know the Hellfire missile fired from a MQ-1 Predator has a 50-foot blast radius?”

The email did not contain an unsubscribe button.

Army

DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

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FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long as any employee there can remember, sources confirmed today.

“Wearing it felt weird,” Tomlinson said. “I’ve gained some weight, so I had to suck in the old gut a bit. I doubt anybody noticed.”

As at most commands and activities, DTRA policy requires military personnel to wear their uniforms regularly. However, Tomlinson chose a path that could be considered unorthodox.

“I like to look sharp, and that’s almost impossible in that ugly-ass mashup of camouflage and velcro called the Army Combat Uniform,” Tomlinson said. “So I bought some blazers from J. Crew and ditched the ACUs. The last time I wore a uniform was on Veterans Day in 2013 to get 30 percent off at Denny’s.”

“But this month I got a wild hair and decided to break out the ACUs,” Tomlinson said. “I found them in an old aviator kit bag in the basement next to the cat’s litter box. My rank badge was stuck into the family cork board, holding up the school lunch schedule and some coupons for KFC. My beret was in our son’s toy box, and how it got there is anybody’s guess. Kids!”

Personnel at DTRA showed a variety of reactions to seeing Tomlinson in uniform. Sgt. Greg Gomez, administrative NCO in Tomlinson’s division, mistook the major for a newly arriving officer.

“I scheduled him for a newcomer’s briefing and the next unit weigh-in and PT test,” Gomez said.

“It was a little odd that they scheduled me for a newcomer’s briefing, but I attended anyhow and learned a lot, like that it’s policy for military personnel to wear their uniforms weekly. Who knew?” said Tomlinson.

“If he’s going to sham out on the uniform, he should at least get a clue about style,” said Staff Sgt. Rachel Bailey. “He acts all ‘Mr. Fashion’ in his J. Crew outfits but in reality, Tommy fucking Hilfiger here can’t match a tie to a shirt to save his life.”

Wearing the uniform resulted in distinct changes in how people perceived Tomlinson and his role in DTRA activities.

“Nobody bothered me when I wore civilian clothes, said Tomlinson. “Maybe my identity was ambiguous, or people thought I was a senior warrant officer. Now that they know I’m a major, everybody keeps asking for help with their PowerPoint presentations as if I’m some kind of PowerPoint expert! Actually, I am a PowerPoint expert, so its really okay.”

Tomlinson’s return to the uniform may also have unintended consequences for other officers at DTRA headquarters.

“I thought he was your typical civilian with an over-inflated ego and a limited duty day,” Thomas Bowles, a senior executive, said. “Now I know he’s actually your typical major with an over-inflated ego. I’m going to see if we have other field grade officers masquerading as civilians. We make a lot of PowerPoint presentations here, so we need all the majors we can get.”

Departing for the day, Tomlinson said he intended to “devote some serious time” to getting rock hard abs. And finding his PT uniform.

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Miscellaneous

Are millennials killing the aimless, protracted war industry?

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Have we reached the end of publicly-supported, mutli-decade wars that have no estimable completion deadline and no clear-cut objectives? Now that they’re done ruining the turkey industry, it appears that millennials have found another staple of the American economy to kill.

Recent polls conducted by Stanford University have indicated that youth born between the years of 1982 and 2004 widely oppose the invasion of foreign nations on shaky premises. Despite the rise in sales of Support Our Troops bumper stickers and tactical gear being 20 percent off at FireForEffect.com, it seems like young people just aren’t interested in following the previous generations’ footsteps.

DuffelBlog took to the streets of Portland to meet some of these millennials. The conversations were edifying, and perhaps a little frightening.

Josiah Denter, a budding wine grape taxonomist, graciously put his plans for not buying a house and not having children on hold to talk to Duffel Blog. He seemed alarmingly unconcerned about the health of the protracted war industry.

“I mean, I guess drones are cool and all. But I prefer using them to take selfies during a three day nature cleanse in Joshua Tree National Park. Not, like, hellfire missiles and stuff,” Denter said.

The U.S. defense budget increased from $664 billion to $688 billion from 2017 to 2018 – a 3 percent increase. That may sound like the war industry is booming, but it’s actually down from the 2016 to 2017 change, which was nearly an 11 percent increase. The blame for the missing 8 percent can be placed firmly at the feet of young people who no longer enjoy spending their adult lives in moral gray areas.

Millennials, however, aren’t taking the finger-pointing lying down. Many of them believe that their lack of support for wars old enough to be their fathers is due to an increasingly polarized economic system, designed to keep wealth at the top 1 percent and shrink the size of the middle class.

“I can’t invade a foreign country until the minimum wage achieves parity with inflation and the purchasing power of the dollar,” local niche scatological artist Sarah Alshaz said on her Twitch channel, which, combined with her Patreon, is her only source of income. “I also have nearly three hundred thousand dollars of school loans to pay off. Liberal arts degrees from Ivy League schools are expensive. We just can’t afford war like the baby boomers, who could conduct a land war in Europe on a single income with a pension.”

It’s a problem of outreach, according to recruitment specialists. The armed forces are trying to target millennials in hopes they can convince them that a small Middle Eastern country using dial-up internet is worth bombing with ordnance worth more than its GDP, but success has been minimal.

“We tried that,” Maj. Lindsey Wilkinson, a Strategic Command spokesperson, said in a blog article. “It backfired. It seems like no matter how we hashtag something, the droves of millennials on social media just aren’t ready to do what it takes to embroil the United States in long, drawn-out conflicts with no clear objectives. I believe America has seen its best days.”

Even after examining the statistics, the fate of the endless war industry has yet to be determined. But, if millennials have anything to say about it, the war in Afghanistan – and others like it – may only extend to 2035.

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Miscellaneous

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

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CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

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Miscellaneous

Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same

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Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Miscellaneous

Payday lenders still kicking ass since shutdown doesn’t affect military

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Columbus, Ga. — Tensions are high throughout the government with the current shutdown, but payday lenders outside the gates of military installations across the country are doing absolutely fabulous, sources confirmed today.
As more and more service members are brought home from the current conflicts, they find themselves wanting to buy $1,349 worth of alcohol in a single night. There is really only one way for a soldier to get their hands on that kind of money semi-legally, and outlets with exorbitant interest rates are only more than willing to help.
“Phew! We were sorta worried about it all back there,” said Paul Sunders, a payday lender that prefers to be called Eagle, outside of Fort Benning, Georgia. “If those kids stop getting paid, it becomes a real mess for us.”
Eagle is the embodiment of the American dream. He wears an oversized American flag suit with matching tie and tennis shoes. His eyeglasses automatically faded into sunglasses when Duffel Blog correspondents met him outside his establishment.
Eagle comes from a long line of payday lenders, dating back to the Civil War when payday lenders were basically the same as they are today — camping outside of the sites soldiers stayed and moving from camp to camp promising the soldiers money immediately along with sips of Moutain Dew.
“Many granddaddies ago, we used to only break thumbs when a loan wasn’t paid. I’d like to think we’re a lot more polite these days. We thank every soldier for their service before we wreck the sh*t out of their credit scores,” Eagle said. “We also started a punchcard program so you get that tenth loan at a real good 20 percent.”
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Miscellaneous

Space Force reservists already volunteering for temporary duty on moon to escape wives

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WASHINGTON — Thousands of male reservists have submitted temporary duty (TDY) request packets to the Space Force for assignment on the moon in an attempt to avoid their wives, sources confirmed today.

The rush of TDY requests have skyrocketed since March 2018 when President Donald Trump announced the creation of the nation’s newest military branch.

Offering numerous opportunities for deployment, Space Force office phones started ringing off the hook immediately, inundating the service with requests from men anxious for temporary relief from the excruciating pain of being married.

“I’m excited at the prospect of joining the nation’s first members of Space Force to get assigned to the moon,” said Lt. Bradley Esteban. “I know the conditions and temperatures are extreme, and I could easily be killed. But that’s nothing compared to living with my dreadful, high-maintenance, controlling wife of 6 years. I’m ready to roll. Let’s go!”

The dangerous, life-threatening assignment on the moon will be filled with unimaginable risks, ranging from equipment failure to running out of oxygen. But that isn’t stopping patriotic service members from volunteering in droves.

“I don’t even care about hazardous duty pay, or even healthcare benefits – they can keep all of it,” said Staff Sgt. Carlos Munoz, who has been married for over 10 years. “Just get me the hell out of here. She won’t quit riding my ass about playing video games and cleaning the house.”

Military wives are reportedly objecting to the notion of the TDY requests, citing the need for the trash to be taken out, the lawn to be mowed, and the car to be repaired.

One female military spouse, who only agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, sees the astro-TDY requests as pathetic.

“My husband and all his little Space Force cronies are a bunch of wannabes who need to get their shit together. They need to man the ‘f’ up and tend to their responsibilities instead of running off to play butt-buddy in space,” she said while preparing to call her husband’s CO to demand he deny her husband’s TDY request.

Service members have submitted their TDY requests prematurely because there are not really any Space Force operations now, according to military sources.

Meanwhile, senior military officials also noted that orders to the moon are also unlikely to be issued for the next few decades. Reservists were upset to learn they are stuck on earth and must endure the challenges of dealing with a whiny spouse with little hope for the future.

“Is there anywhere else in the solar system I can get orders to?” asked Sgt. Willy Breckenridge. “What about North Dakota? I’ll go there, even. I need a break. God damn, I need a break.”

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Miscellaneous

Syria totally pregnant after late US pull out

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ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today.

Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw military forces from Syria on a timeline being developed. Critics claim the withdrawal jeopardizes the Syrian Democratic Forces, which receive American military weapons and support.

“What bullshit. Since 2013, the U.S. was all like, ‘I really care about you,’ and ‘don’t worry I’ll be careful,’” Syria told reporters. “How was I supposed to know the U.S. would only stay in long enough to spawn a bunch of freedom fighters but pull out as soon as it got some international booty call offer from my thotty neighbor, Turkey?”

“Turkey acts like the queen bee around here because she thinks our father, the Ottoman Empire, loved her best like, 100 years ago,” Syria added. “Now thanks to her cozying up to America I’ll be left with a lot of children who are pissed off and heavily armed. And their deadbeat daddy’s initials are U.S.A.”

Foreign interventions require clear national goals, operations crafted to achieve defined objectives, and strategic considerations, according to foreign policy experts. Asked how many of these elements the US intervention in Syria included, Dr. Owen Killian at the Brookings Institution responded, “Pretty much none of them. The U.S. appears to have entered Syria with little planning about how long to stay, how to end the affair, or the impact of fucking around in the Middle East.”

“This basically shows all the forethought and follow through of a drunken frat boy,” Killian continued. “You can’t stop the biology of intervention. Disgorging forces into a country without protection almost always results in a lot of angry offspring, especially if Marines are involved.”

Syria said she regrets the affair.

“I should have seen this coming,” Syria said. “America pulled the same shit in 1984 when it withdrew from Lebanon, and that left the world with that psycho brat named Hezbollah.”

Although a contingent of French forces will remain in Syria, the American pullout raises the potential for competing powers to fill a regional power vacuum.

“Who’s going to help me raise these kids?” Syria asked. “That nut case ISIS will steal them in a Damascus minute if I turn my back. Russia and Iran are lurking around, but they’re creepy and crazy. China is always willing to send money, but that comes with a lot of strings. Only France seems to be really committed to sticking around.”

“Are you kidding me? France?” Syria added with a sigh. “Great. My kids are going to grow up to be fucking mimes.”

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Duffel Blog Presents

Duffel Blog Presents: Holiday gift ideas for your favorite vetbro

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You honored the hell out of your military friends and family for Veterans Day. And the Marine Corps birthday. And the Fourth of July. And Memorial Day. And Labor Day for some reason. But now what do you get the ultimate veteran for Christmas? Don’t sweat it. Duffel Blog’s got you.

Our editors curated the perfect gift assortment for every vetbro on your nice list, no matter their EAS date or preferred holiday. Don’t forget to use the code ‘heroworship’ when you check out because of course there is a veteran discount.

1. Woobie Robe: This comfy AF bathrobe has the look and smell of a foxhole-tested poncho liner with the added absorption of French terry cloth to ward off trench crotch. And it has pockets!

2. Ranger Up Shirt-of-the-Month Club: Your special vet gets the same moto t-shirt in a bigger size every month.

3. Ibuprofen Advent calendar: Treat them to Christmas-flavored pain relief all month with eggnog, peppermint, and gingerbread delights. Background choices include pinks and greens Santa or Arlington gravestones dusted with snow.

4. Personalized MARPAT Menorah: You can order hand-crafted candles that resemble all your warrior’s favorite officers so she can burn them in effigy for all the times they burned her.

5. Campaign medal nipple clamps: We know you love to hurt, so bust out your ho-ho-ho with this super moto, super sexy gift that will keep Christmas coming all year round. Kuwait Liberation Medal clamp set currently on back-order.

6. CLP-infused body butter: Impress the armory custodian in your life with just the right hint of scent and just the right touch of lube. Here’s one gift he won’t hand back.

7. Blood stripe Festivus pole: Air your grievances with Marine Corps flair!

8. ‘Veteran’s Little Helper’ Santa hat for your buddy’s service dog: Because your disabled veteran friend’s sole personality trait is that he has a service animal.

9. A blowjob: That’s actually all your veteran wants. Give this gift and be a real holiday hero. No discount code required.

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