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French Navy christens new Mimesweeper

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PARIS — Adm. Jean Vantinel, Chef d’état-major de la Marine of the French Navy, has announced the Marine Nationale will christen the world’s most technologically-advanced mimesweeper this fall in a ceremony in Touloun.

“Every since I was…how do you say? A midshipmen at the École Navale I knew it was my sworn duty to protect my country. We have ze big enemy. The biggest, you know, is the bad art.”

The Loire class ship, named the Silence de Mort, will be the first new mimesweeper commissioned since the post-modern art movement made the coastlines less hospitable to all forms of physical comedy. However, a recent resurgence of improv comedy has slowly festered into a mime insurgency, necessitating the push for a new mimesweeper.

“Ze sea, she is angry,” said Vantinel. “but the anger needs ze noise. Ze mime is terrible. Ze mimesweeper will destroy it.”

Previous generations of mimesweepers were equipped with mechanical or electrical devices, known as “sweeps,” for disabling mimes. The new ship is soundproofed to lull the mime into a false sense of espirit de corps so he can be eliminated.

Vatinel has high hopes for the ship, which he considers the finest in La Royale.

“Ze mimes, they wear our berets, and openly mock us with ze fake motions of surrender. They have no respect for our traditions. “

No mimes were available for comment.

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