AFGHANISTAN — Feeling the need to intellectually lord over “those ground-pounders who barely passed their ASVAB,” a dickbag Grammar Nazi in the tactical operations center has corrected typos found in your messages sent from outside the wire to a classified mIRC chatroom, sources confirmed today.
“Are you shitting me?” your fire team leader whispered as he read the S-2 section‘s snarky messages over your shoulder. “Those keyboard warriors are doing this now?”
Spc. Elvis Perlman, an intelligence analyst seated safely behind his computer in a large, air-conditioned tent, was at the time tasked with providing tactical support to your reconnaissance mission. During that time, he decided to call you out for minor lexical errors while you were sending intel updates from a Toughbook in your sweaty, cramped hide-site above a Taliban-held village.
Duffel Blog acquired a transcript of the conversation via FOIA request. The chat-logs are below.
[08:11am] [TOC_INTEL] All fireteams, be advised, weather satellite is showing sandstorm conditions in mountain pass about twenty klicks northwest – expecting wind-speeds of 45 knots, visibility 1/4 mile.
[08:12am] [TOC_INTEL] Please acknowledge and pass along any updates.
[08:12am] [RAZORBACK_1] Copy. No updates.
[08:13am] [SPARK_81] Copy. Have visual on movement in ████████████ villkage. 22 military-age males carrying 17 AKs, 4 RPGs, and 1 Dragonov, currently mounting jeeps and headed west toward Patrol Base ██████████.
[08:14am] [TOC_INTEL] Rog, thanks for info. Suspect attack will coincide with inclement weather. By the way, you misspelled “village” and “Dragunov.”
[08:15am] [SPARK_81] Aditional 8 mil-age males leaving village, appear to be wearing Afgan Army uniforms. Heading south,
[08:15am] [TOC_INTEL] Additional*, Afghan*
[08:15am] [TOC_INTEL] Also, you used a comma at the end instead of a period.
[08:16am] *SPARK_81 whispers to TOC_INTEL* Get f███d, POG.
[08:16am] [TOC_INTEL] f███ed*
[08:17am] [SPARK_81] Listen to me, you f██k! I don’t know who the f██k you think you are, but I’m getting real sick and tired of your s██t! You’d better check your f██king attitude or I’ll check it for you. Do you f██king hear me, f██k-face? F██k you!!!
[08:18am] *TOC_INTEL slaps SPARK_81 around a bit with a large trout.*
Defense officials said the conversation cuts out soon after this, since Spc. Perlman went offline after his keyboard became clogged with Dorito-dust and spilled Mountain Dew.
At press time, the patrol base was overrun later that day because Perlman forgot to pass along the warning intelligence set you sent.