PARRIS ISLAND, S.C. — Citing his desire “do something different,” an Air Force technical sergeant has inspired the enlisted ranks by leaving his parent service to join the Marines as a private first class.
“I realized what I needed in my life was more bullshit and less money,” Recruit Theodore Palaiologos told reporters right after getting smoked by his drill instructors at Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island. “I got tired of the high quality of life and shiny new equipment.”
“Something had to change,” he added.
Palaiologos, often addressed by his DIs as “shitbird,” “fuckstick,” or “Paleo” due to his name and age, originally enlisted in the Air Force at age 17 to seek adventure and opportunity as a combat controller. During his eight years of service, he underwent some of the most rigorous and elite training the military has to offer, deployed with the SEALs and Special Forces, and enjoyed various incentive pays. Furthermore, he was allowed to move off-base as an E-4.
Despite all this, Palaiologos says he “did a lot of soul-searching and realized there had to be something more out there,” so he decided to leave the Air Force for drier pastures.
After being discharged, “Paleo” was still young enough to join the Corps, so he elected to exchange his scarlet beret for the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor.
Upon getting to his first duty station, this veteran of six deployments will find himself living in a condemned barracks instead of a house, picking up cigarette butts instead of jumping out of airplanes, and getting called a “boot” by lance corporals who don’t have half the training he does.
In spite of losing his old privileges and starting at the bottom of another totem pole, “Paleo” is looking to join a high-speed unit like Force Recon or the Marine Raiders when the opportunity presents itself.
“I won’t be at square one for long,” he says optimistically. “I’ll get my old rank back in no time.”
At press time, some of Palaiologos’ fellow recruits say he secretly joined the Corps so he could wear the coveted Marine Blues Dress Uniform and “finally get laid.”
UPDATE: Months after this was written, now-Pfc. Palaiologos has graduated boot camp. He has changed his employment on Facebook to “Marine Corps Recruiting” and shared numerous motivational memes about being a Marine. Palailogos was last spotted in the food court, carrying a USMC backpack and standing at parade rest with his civilian pants bloused while several lance corporals openly ridiculed him.