FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Tricare will extend benefits to that one girl named Kyle, Kelly, or maybe it was Carly from Tinder that you hooked up with two years ago, sources confirmed today.
According to recent surveys, the chief complaint about the military’s health care system has been a “lack of care.” Which is why officials believe that by allowing Carla, Kara, or whatever her name was to receive health coverage, Tricare will be greatly improved.
“There’s two ways to address ‘lack of care,’” said Jay Farmer, a Tricare spokesman. “You can either increase the quality, or increase the quantity. Since the former would require inquiries, studies, listening to patients and their needs, and a lot of budget increases — which we’re not prepared to do — increasing quantity is much easier.”
Still, critics say that extending benefits meant to care for service members and their families to Tinder and OKCupid hookups, like Kim, wait, no, it was Kate, will make it even more difficult to schedule appointments, particularly with specialists.
But Farmer, the Tricare spokesman, vehemently disagrees.
“Adding Crystal to the system will not impact families,” said Farmer. “The fact is all appointments with specialists like an OB/GYN are booked for months out, so Kristen couldn’t receive one if she tried. She won’t receive special treatment. Instead, she’ll be misdiagnosed by her primary care provider and given prescriptions she’s allergic to at the pharmacy just like everyone else.”
When reached for comment, Kelsey told reporters, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, my name is Beth.”