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Recently-discharged soldier gains veteran 214

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AUSTIN, Texas — A man who recently left the U.S. Army has gained the inevitable veteran 214 before starting college classes on the G.I. Bill, sources confirmed today.

Jason Ennis, 22, received an honorable discharge from the service in January, but he quickly shed his military appearance and gained a couple hundred pounds to better fit in with his veteran colleagues. He also grew a large beard in order to hide his double chin and celebrate his freedom from having to shave and look presentable, according to sources.

Though less well known as an expression than the “freshman 15,” most who have previously served in the military are aware of the phenomenon of getting the “veteran 214” — which has a dual meaning of gaining at least 214 pounds after a service member gains their DD-214 discharge document. The weight gain is often caused by increased alcohol intake, consumption of cookies and brownies laced with marijuana, and a lack of physical exercise with the exception of beer curls.

In addition to his weight gain, sources say Ennis has fully completed his transition from service member to professional veteran after he placed a Freedom Isn’t Free, I Paid For It bumper sticker on his truck and posted a selfie video from the driver’s seat of his 19-minute complaint about gays and liberals to Facebook.

Ennis plans to start working out again some time next year, according to sources familiar with the matter.

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