Everyone has their own reasons for joining the U.S. Armed Forces, and all who survive their period of service eventually rejoin civilian life. But whether you choose to continue plying your trade on the outside or enter an entirely new profession, certain military skills and habits stick with you long after you receive your DD-214.
Duffel Blog has compiled the top 10 military skills that will make you stand out from your coworkers and get you fired from your civilian job.
1. Falling asleep anywhere, including standing up
Long considered a vital skill for troops who spend long periods in the field or outside the wire, this will almost certainly get you a censure, if not a pink slip, if your boss catches you. Avoid sleeping in your cubicle, under your desk, or another readily-visible location during work hours.
2. Using the F-word in every sentence, multiple times
Yes, it’s fucking stupid, but trying to candidly speak your mind to these civilian fucks will get you booted in a fucking hurry. So tone things down a bit, okay, you fuckheads?
3. Disappearing whenever there’s menial work to be done
You may have been a master skater or shammer when it came to cleaning bathrooms and painting rocks, but there’s little room for stealth tactics or delegation when it comes to the more boring aspects of your entry-level civilian job.
4. Acquiring hard-to-find tools and tech by questionable means
Terminal Lances and Sham-shields, beware: you will no longer have your support network to help you quietly acquire necessary items using unconventional methods. Get caught doing this, and kiss your outside career goodbye.
5. Basing all behavior off a disregard for your own mortality
Whether you’ve dodged IEDs or had Green Beans run out of fruit-smoothie mix, most of us veterans understand war is hell. However, that doesn’t excuse juggling a Ka-Bar knife at your desk, neglecting to use proper safety gear, or joking about turning Taliban into “pink mist” in front of your coworkers.
6. Showing up to work drunk and acting like everything is normal
Face it: your days of showing up hungover to formation or your PFT and getting away with it are past. It’s time to relegate your raging booze habit to Friday and Saturday nights only.
7. Using gender neutral terms of address like ‘shitbird’ and ‘motherfucker’
While it’s a good thing you’re trying to be an egalitarian and not assume peoples’ gender identity, using myriad profanities to address them probably isn’t the best idea.
8. Relying on your superior physical fitness to blind your boss from all your other shortcomings
Sorry, former NCOs — having washboard abs, running a 6-minute mile, and sporting a moto haircut won’t cover up the fact that you’re a shitbag like it did back in your active-duty days.
9. Going weeks without showering
Not a skill you want to “bring to this company” during or after an interview. You’re not at a patrol base without running water. Take a shower every day, you swine.
10. Using inspirational quotes in your self-aggrandizing email signatures
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.” Go ahead, put that quote in your email signature at your corporate job. We dare you. POG.