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ISIS Recruit stuffs goat into amnesty box

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amnesty box

MAYADEEN, Syria — ISIS recruit Abdul Mourad stuffed a live goat into an amnesty box early yesterday morning, sources familiar with the incident say.

The young goat could be heard baying by men who slept in sweaty tents near the desert in Eastern Syria.

“Good lord, someone’s going to town on that thing,” someone murmured, rolling over, hoping to catch a few minutes more sleep before another day of intensive training began.

ISIS training is notoriously rigorous and entrants are expected to disavow “earthly” pleasures, including those associated with the idyllic farmyard. In recent months, ISIS senior command has complained about lax discipline and, according to sources familiar with the matter, a scarcity of prime breeding goats for themselves.

“One of the perks of leadership,” complained an ISIS battlefield commander who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Is to have your pick of brides, of land, of livestock, of slaves. When I was a young recruit, I spent my days wiring and rewiring my standard-issue suicide vest; I spent my nights dreaming of martyrdom. This slovenly lot they pass onto us now, they are deviants and fornicators already without having earned these privileges.”

Among the men, opinions were mixed on what is referred to dismissively as “the old guard’s” mentality about afternoon barnyard delight.

“These pigs,” said one enlisted recruit. “They’ve fatted themselves on the conquest of weak, westernized regions. When they were on the ground, they took Damascus. They would raid Starbucks for breakfast and then raid a sushi bar for dinner. Today, we fight Russian FSB and American CIA in the dust and rubble like men.”

“Of course, we take their goats,” he added, spitting. “They better watch out that we don’t start taking fat-bellied commanders who whine like goats.”

In response to complaints about discipline, ISIS command has instituted harsh penalties for contraband materials, which includes all manner of farm animals.

“A goat is a biggie. That would result in immediate execution by decapitation. We have performed three already this week, unfortunately,” said another anonymous ISIS commander, while thumbing distractedly through goat pictures on his iPhone.

But, in an effort to ease rising anxiety among recruits of the terrorist group, ISIS command has installed several Amnesty boxes, boxes in which recruits can anonymously drop off contraband material without fear of punishment, on training grounds. Amnesty boxes are checked frequently, even twice hourly, by a command eager to instill discipline in the beleaguered ranks.

At press time, there was a line of grinning officers who rubbed their palms together and licked their lips as they waited for Mourad to finish depositing the goat into the amnesty box.

Army

Trump asks new secretary of defense to get Don Jr. job as an “Army guy”

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON —  President Donald Trump pulled aside Patrick Shanahan, the acting secretary of Defense, following a cabinet meeting to ask him about finding employment for Donald Trump Jr. as an “Army guy,” sources confirmed today.

“Pat, question for you,” the president began, “There’s my son, Don, you know him, Don Junior. He always wanted to be an Army guy when he was little. I mean, I think he did, I heard this from his nannies. They barely spoke English, so who knows? Anyway, so I thought, why don’t we get him a job as an Army guy?”

Sources report that Shanahan, who until the end of December had worked as the deputy under then-Secretary of Defense James Mattis, stood smiling politely as Trump continued explaining his request.

“He could be a great commander, a very, very powerful military leader,” said the president. “I’ve got a great eye for it — I went to a military prep school, it was just like the Army. So, I know what I’m talking about, and believe me, Don has what it takes.”

“So let’s make him a big shot,” Trump added. “Maybe not a general to start. He’s gotta work his way up. It’s the military. I understand, believe me. But start him at something higher than a colonel. Colonel sounds low, too low. Reminds me of Colonel Sanders. What about marshal? That’s a rank, right? Doesn’t matter, we’ll make it a rank.”

Continuing his unbroken monologue — during which Shanahan stopped smiling and began slowly rubbing his forehead — Trump also ruled out the possibility of commissioning his son in the other branches of the military.

“You might ask, what about the Navy? But no, we dressed Don and Eric up as sailors when they were kids, age 15 or so, and it was no good, they looked like sissies. Or Marines? But they’re the same as the Army, no difference, I can’t see much difference. Why don’t we merge them, by the way? Has anyone thought of that, merging the Marines and the Army? Would save a lot of money. Anyway. Air Force? No—Trumps don’t fly planes, we pay other people to fly so we can sit back with first-class service. Only the best service on my planes, believe me. Air Force One is decent, but it’s not the best, believe me, I’ve had the best.”

Sources confirm that Trump admitted this was not the first time he had made this request.

“I ran this by the guy who came before you [Secretary James Mattis], and I gotta say, he wasn’t thrilled,” the president said. “That’s part of why I fired him.”

“Because I did fire him,” Trump clarified. “He didn’t resign, I fired him after he gave me his letter of resignation. It was a firing.”

At the conclusion of their meeting, sources report, Shanahan told the president that his new duties were keeping him “quite busy.” He then suggested revisiting the president’s proposal on February 30th, and walked briskly out of the Oval Office before the president could look at a calendar.

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Army

Opinion: General standing in front of us with hands on hips isn’t really making an impression

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(Photo: Defense Dept.)

By a grunt

I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I’ve been in for three years, and I understand the chain of command as well as customs and courtesies.

But who the hell told general officers to always put their hands on their hips whenever they open their soup-coolers?

What does that signal? When I put my hands on my hips, I’m usually contradicting something a barracks lawyer just said, or else I’m fighting my bar tab at the Buckhorn Saloon. Which general has to fight a bar tab? They make so much money they just fart rainbow-colored fifty dollars bills and the bar staff run around picking them up like looters after an earthquake. Those generals leave the Buckhorn like nothing happened. Me, I’m talking to the cops.

So what is it with hands on hips?

I can see Adm. Halsey with his hands on his hips, directing naval combat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean — there was a real war on back then! But mostly, I see my grandmother with her hands on her hips, scolding me for doing something wrong right before she spanks my hide.

So, to me hands on hips equals a paddling a’coming. I’m PTSDing here watching this general move his hands from his hips to putting his thumbs just inside his trouser pockets, and back again while using words I never heard before.

Does he want to inspire me or punish me? I don’t know. I don’t even know his name. Maybe it’s Gen. Grandma.

I bet there’s a course in that knife-and-fork school that I heard new generals go to. I bet it teaches them to appear confident whenever they talk. I think that whole course is about how to properly put their hands on their hips. Lord knows the field graders I see can’t do it because when they talk they don’t inspire a damn thing in me except to not become a field grader. They constantly move their hands from their hips to the inside of their trouser pockets where it’s like they’re jiggling change or wangs. Generals and grandmothers are a lot better at this, but still.

Honestly, general, would you please take your hands, your hips and your entourage of POGs and just get the fuck out of my battle?

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Army

Meet the ‘servant leader’ who’s serving Christmas dinner at the chow hall to avoid his in-laws

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FORT BLISS, Texas — Soldiers eating at the Bamford Dining Facility on Christmas Day were awed by a display of “servant leadership” when Col. Ted Murphy, Fort Bliss Garrison commander, surprised the ranks by showing up to serve Christmas dinner unannounced.

“For the first time in three years, I thought I’d have him home for the holidays,” said Karen Murphy, Col. Murphy’s wife of 24 years. “Then as soon as I asked him to pick my mother up at El Paso International Airport, he suddenly had to be at work.”

Sources close to Murphy told Duffel Blog that he always leads by example and eats last, especially when his in-laws are in town.

“I can relate to the lonely soldier, stuck on post for the holidays because they have to pull a CQ shift or left the vehicle inspection sheet out of their packet and got their leave denied. I’ll be here until the last Soldier is fed, happy, and can go home knowing that their leadership cares about them, even if it keeps me here until long after my wife’s family is gone,” said Murphy, scrolling through his fantasy football scores in the latrine.

Mrs. Murphy has stated that although she was looking forward to a family Christmas together between deployments, extended training, last-minute TDYs, soldier emergencies, inventories, accountability formations, and lost boxes of grid squares, Murphy has missed 16 of the 24 Christmases they’ve been married for, and 100% of the Chirstmases they’ve hosted for Mrs. Murphy’s family.

“Col. Murphy is an inspiring leader,” said Spc. Trayon Collins, an armored vehicle crewman waiting out Christmas away from his wife and three kids. “I’m sure there are other places he’d rather be, but here he is, serving us ham and seeing if anyone wants to stick around to play some Madden. What a soldier’s soldier.”

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Army

OUTRAGE! This Green Beret may get in trouble just for MURDERING someone!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The bleeding heart liberals in the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command are at it again! They’ve reopened an investigation into Major Matt Golsteyn’s execution of a suspected Taliban bomb-maker back in 2010. According to news reports, Golsteyn killed the man because a friendly tribal elder feared the detainee would seek vengeance if released.

Army investigators closed the case back in 2014 for “lack of evidence,” and aside from Golsteyn going on national television and admitting to it, they still have no proof! Can you say “witch hunt?”

This is what happens with snowflakes in charge! The LIBERALS would like you to believe that our WARFIGHTERS aren’t supposed to “kill people, bury them, then dig up their bodies and burn them,” but that’s EXACTLY what this hero did. Seems like he must have been trained to do that, right? Let he who has never executed someone on a hunch cast the first stone!

Army special forces

On the hunt for incapacitated locals to kill, I guess

Snowflakes will never be happy until OUR TROOPS are forced to ONLY kill people they are FAIRLY CERTAIN are enemy combatants.

First they complained about drone strikes accidentally killing innocent women and children at weddings, and now they’re whining about about a good, old fashioned double-tap to the back of the skull!

The truth is, if this TALIBAN monster was released, he MAY have gone back home and not done anything OR HE COULD HAVE ATTACKED U.S. TROOPS! Golsteyn HAD to take matters into his own hands, since his LIBERAL commanders wanted this guy released. Whose side are they on?

Believe it or not, the highly restrictive Law of Armed Conflict (LOAC) actually makes it illegal for our brave men and women in uniform to kill prisoners of war. Luckily, Maj. Golsteyn isn’t the only warfighter to protest this law by brutally murdering an unarmed and helpless prisoner.

War is hell, and true patriots know that being in a war zone means you can kill whoever you want so you can brag about it on Fox News. Please pray that OUR PRESIDENT Trump will step in to save Golsteyn from being held accountable for this so-called “crime!”

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Army

Afghans request US take action on growing feral drone problem

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KABUL, Afghanistan — Afghan President Ashraf Ghani issued a public call today for the U.S. to take action on the feral drones marauding the skies of eastern Afghanistan.

“When they escape these drones roost in our mountains and attack our vehicles and machinery,” Ghani said. “If the U.S. is serious about rebuilding the country for the future, they will act on this problem before it gets out of control.”

Abdul Jabbar Naeemi, the governor of Khost Province, claims that feral drones have destroyed over three hundred vehicles, essential infrastructure and some of the swankiest bed down locations in his province.

“It is becoming an infestation,” he said. “The Americans introduced these things to our land, they must do something about it before it is too late.”

Kabul University’s top Dronologist, Dr. Feroz Sherazi, said the problem has grown worse over the years because of the isolation of the Hindu Kush Mountains.

“There are no natural predators and tons of poppy and scrap metal,” he said. “It’s a perfect breeding ground. That’s why we are seeing entire nests develop hellfire missiles.”

Ghani’s cabinet has a proposal that asks for $8 billion over four years to wrangle all the drones onto a preserve in Badakhshan Province. Local aide workers will neuter the drones once they reach full maturity then administer a vaccination program to prevent rust accumulation.

The Taliban have also made action on feral drones a precondition for peace talks with the Afghan government along with the withdrawal of all foreign troops and the transfer of Justin Bieber into their custody.

For its part, the Pentagon maintains that it has complete control of every drone it has ever brought to Afghanistan, and the CIA issued a rebuttal that was completely redacted.

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Army

Troops on border continue winning hearts and spades

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1-8 Inf. Regt. works to bring security to east Mosul

NOGALES, Ariz. — U.S. service members deployed to the U.S.-Mexico border are winning Hearts at an unprecedented level, embedded journalists within the task force have learned.

The troops, who have been on the mission since October, have now won hundreds of Hearts — and Spades — one round at a time.

“We’re trying to take the lessons we learned in Iraq and Afghanistan to heart,” said Task Force Commander Col. James Fisher. “As Americans, we’re used to holding all the aces. But sometimes you have to give up a trick to win the game.”

Between their duties walking around, poking at concertina wire, checking for cell service, and talking about when the best time to get lunchtime chow is, service members taking part in Operation Faithful Patriot have won an estimated 987 games of hearts, 1,289 games of spades, 18 house of cards building competitions, and one half-hearted emergency game of Go Fish!

“Echo Company has always been the best at listening to locals, building alliances, and then taking their tricks,” said Spc. Travis Keller, a light wheeled vehicle mechanic. “We used to play to 100, but at this point in the deployment, we’re playing to 1,000.”

While many pundits have publicly debated if the estimated 5,000 troops still mobilized to the border are a good use of government resources, the estimated 5,268 decks of playing cards have received so much attention and mentorship at the border that many are saying they’ll be ready to take on the operation for themselves in the next three to six months.

“Even if we never have to stop migrants at the border, our troops’ time will not be wasted,” said Fisher. “Just today, I’ve seen some of our military police learn pip hearts, shoot the moon and even schwartz kartze. These are valuable fieldcraft skills our brave men and women will use in field exercise, National Training Center rotations, and future deployments.”

Defense analysts are concerned that if the troops aren’t deployed by Christmas, they’ll be forced to turn to Bridge — long a weakness for ground troops, particularly combat engineers.

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Army

Caravan of strippers stopped at Mexican border by soldiers with engagement rings

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TIJUANA, Mexico — A massive caravan of illegal strippers heading to the U.S.-Mexico border was stopped at the border by a deployment of U.S. soldiers with engagement rings, sources confirm today.

The strippers, most of whom were from South America, had joined the annual march to the U.S. border seeking asylum at one of the many strip clubs outside of 29 Palms. Most had been walking for months with little food, water, or shelter. The drastic conditions resulted in the perfect storm of losing a bit of weight, tightening up c-section scars, and weakened judgement, which made them the perfect target for a third marriage.

“We met them in a three to one ratio, so we knew that it was critical to engage them immediately,” said Col. Todd Richardson, Task Force Lonely Patriot Commander. “Then they started throwing rocks. By our Rules of Engagement, that meant we could throw rocks back at them— and by that, I mean cubic zirconia.”

“Tear gas? Oh, that’s not tear gas,” said Richardson. “They’re crying because they’re happy. This will be the best 3-6 months of their lives.”

At last estimate, 30 percent of the strippers, which arrived just today, are pregnant with military dependents to be born in six months.

“It’s hell out there,” said Chaplain (Maj.) Bobby Weatherly. “I’ve never been under so much strain to pull together so many marriages so quickly. We’re out womanned out there. I had to call in close pair support.”

The troops have been stationed on the border since October to stop any illegal immigrants from entering the country. By the end of the month, 100 percent of the stripper caravan is expected to enter the country legally as military spouses and build their own businesses selling essential oils.

“This has been a glorious military exercise,” said Richardson. “From the second they started throwing those rocks, I told the boys the penguins threw rocks as a sign of affection and that they were weapons free with those rings.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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