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Private in formation unaware enormous dick drawn on his face

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FORT HOOD, Texas — Army Pvt. Anthony Giorodano has been standing at ease in formation this morning for more than 23 minutes unaware that there is an enormous dick drawn on his face, sources confirmed today.

The marker drawing began with a detailed scrotum on the man’s forehead, wrapped around his right cheek, snaked up his nose, between his eyes, rounded his left eye, and finally terminated on his left cheek. It was drawn, according to sources, after Giorodano passed out early during a night of heavy drinking in the barracks.

Giorodano, who was seen rocking impatiently on his heels while the company first sergeant addressed the formation about a chow detail, didn’t notice the quiet laughter around him, sources say.

“I have no idea how no one else saw this thing. It was practically visible from space,” said one soldier. “How passed out do you have to be to not feel this being done to you? I bet it took them 15 minutes of drawing.”

Defense officials told reporters many more in the platoon discovered the drawing after Pfc. Calvin Whiteash called out, “yo, check out dickhead over there.”

The announcement elicited disruptive movement and chuckling from the men near Giorodano, sources said, adding that when Staff Sgt. Jerome Freeman turned to tell Pfc. Whiteash to be quiet, he burst into laughter upon seeing the drawing on the private’s face.

“So, I turn to tell Whiteash to shut his mouth, like every other day,” Staff Sgt Freeman later told a group of NCOs from other companies at the smoke pit. “But this time, I don’t even blame this kid. Here is Gioradano with a dick in sharpie literally all over his face. Like, this thing goes between his eyes. It’s got hairs on it. Top is up there droning on about god-knows-what, and I just lose it.”

According to Staff Sgt. Freeman, this was when the situation gained platoon-wide visibility.

“[1st Sgt.] Johnson asks if I’ve got something I’d like to add to his announcement.,” Freeman said. “Like, yeah, dude, I want to add that we have some 19-year-old moron standing in formation with a 14-inch dick painted on his face, and that’s like more relevant than what you’re saying. I’d like to add that to your explanation of how next week we were going to be in building 114-G for the BFT class but that building is locked so we might be somewhere else, but you don’t know yet, so you’ll keep us posted.”

“Just tell us the schedule for today and release us, for god’s sake,” he added, shaking his head.

After formation, Pvt. Gioradano was questioned about the drawing by his squad leader, Staff Sgt. Eric Lee.

“He said he didn’t know what happened, blah blah, whatever. I was like, Uh huh. Sure, kid. I told him to go wash his stupid face and then to come see me after I had coffee,” Lee told reporters. “I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do about it. I kind of want to write a counseling statement just because, you know, it’s fucking hilarious.”

At press time, Giorodano was still attempting to wash the black ink from his face.

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