SpaceiLeaks releases correspondence standards for US Space Force

CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, Colo. — Duffel Blog has received the following excerpt from a draft of the new U.S. Space Force’s Regulation 25-50, Preparing and Managing Space Correspondence.  

The excerpt was provided by SpaceiLeaks, alleged to be run by an alien held at Groom Lake who leads (or follows) a group of U.S. Army admin specialists who have been in the know for decades. In the coming months, SpaceiLeaks claims it will release more Space Force documents, including manuals for drill in a zero-gravity environment, annual space harassment training, and how to conduct Moon Bay Monday.

Chapter 3 Preparing Space Force Letters

3–1. General

This chapter provides instructions for Space Force personnel in preparing letters in and about space, and toward the Space Force’s (SF) goal of Making Space Great Again. Correspondence will always spell out “Make Space Great Again” followed by “(MSGA)” and then only use “MSGA” in further sentences. Use hashtag MSGA (#MSGA) for proper alien social media visibility and the ability to sell hats, flags and t-shirts, especially on Memorial Day and Neil Armstrong’s birthday, which is August 5th and a new Space Force training holiday.

3–2. Use in Zero Gravity Political-Military Environments

A letter is used for correspondence addressed to the U.S. Space President or U.S. Vice Space President of the #MSGA Solar System, members of the White Space House staff, Members of the Little Lying Space Congress, Justices of the Supreme Galactic Space Court, heads of space departments and space agencies, space governors, Little Rocket Man, foreign planet government officials as long as they have eyes, and the alien (illegal, space or other) public. Also, use letters for correspondence to government workers inside the Deep State Nine Resistance Station; for official correspondence to Earthling military personnel and soon-to-be-killed-by-the-millions civilians bound by gravity to earth; and for letters of galactic welcome, appreciation for and in bed-wetting fear of ridiculously superior alien technologies; for commendation of alien skill in building that 4D border wall that Americans so deeply desire; or for desperate appeals to not use the Death Star on us because think of the children; and also for condolences about all those bullshit Hollywood movies where aliens were unfairly portrayed as racist anti-humans even if they are.

3–3. Alien Response phrases

Do not use phrases such as “The Secretary has requested that you do not blow up our planet…,” “The Secretary desires that I zap you with…,” or “On behalf of the Solar System Emperor Trump…,” unless the Space Adjutant (SA) has specifically directed using such apocalyptic-sounding phrases. (For letters responding for the SSA, see SF Memo 25–52, Please Don’t Kill Us, Seriously Superior Aliens from the Planet Ripit-7.)

3–4. Abbreviations acceptable to illegal space aliens and god-fearing Americans

Use only common abbreviations in standard dictionaries found between Earth and Alpha Centauri. Do not use military abbreviations from SF Instruction 7077 (“How to Kill an Alien With Lessons Learned from MacGyver (TS/NOALIEN)”); or brevity grunt-codes like those used by Klingons during sex; or acronyms promulgated by the evil Padishah; or Starfleet alphanumeric jargon only understood by sunken-chested Trekkies. “SF” no longer refers to Special Forces or Security Forces or any other baloney Earthbound force that is irrelevant in the face of our Force’s awesome black hole/dark star power projection. SF only refers to Space Force. SF personnel will use their full grades (for example, Space God Commodore, Red Shirt Captain, and the Almighty Protector of that One Shopette at Space Fort Hood, Mars Who Looks Twice at Your CAC Card When You’re Out of Uniform).

3–5. General space clerical rules

Paper. Generally, use the standard hydroponic paper size for a letter (8 1⁄2 by 11 semi-demi-quasi-microparsecs).

Original pages. Use laser-generated virtual letterhead for the first page and dead-tree Earth-killed plain white paper for all continuing pages.

Margins. Have a Clerk-Typist (Robo-matic) adjust the margins on the page, centering the body of the letter as if it were going to be placed in a holo-picture frame. Then have sex with the robot. Generally, allow page margins of 1 galactic micro-inch. Do not set margins at flush-left in a zero-gravity environment as this may cause weight-and-balance problems with your spaceship.

PowerPoint. No change to previous guidance.

Point of contact. Generally, use a point of contact who cannot be located on Earth, so no illegal alien can geolocate the last desperate Earthlings as we huddle in Cheyenne Mountain fighting to the end. Have aliens who are thirsty for a meal of human blood contact an SF warrant officer who, like all warrant officers, can never be never be found even with the most advanced interstellar technologies (see SF Manual 1–21, Comparing Electromagnetic Spectrum Signatures of Invisible Space Aliens with Warrant Officers). This will ensure the continued survival of the human species.

32  Space Regulation 25–50 • 30 June 2018