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Army announces double deep-fried jalapeño cheese ravioli burrito MRE

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NATICK, Mass. — Army leaders have announced their next line of meals, ready to eat (MRE) will be four times the size of a regular meal and feature new items such as a double deep-fried jalapeño cheese ravioli burrito, sources confirmed today.

The announcement of MRE #38, which has already been dubbed a “Mega MRE,” comes as some soldiers have demanded more food during high op-tempo missions, while others have requested new and larger menu items for when they are skipping PT and just getting fat during year-long deployments to Kuwait.

Born out of the Combat Feeding Directorate at the Natick Soldier Research, Production and Supply Center, researchers decided to tackle a burrito that weighed in over a pound soon after they had perfected the new pizza MRE, which features a pepperoni topping and an accessory packet of diarrhea.

“We were tired of asking ourselves ‘why’ and just said ‘fuck it, why not’,” Natick spokesman Peter Sawka told reporters, adding that, since jalapeño cheese spread was already popular with troops, researchers decided to just mutate the recipe to the extreme.

“We were going to add beef, bacon, and a hot sauce into it, but that would end up weighing more than the average paratrooper,” he said.

At least some soldiers will be able to unhinge their jaw and inhale this the monstrosity by Thanksgiving, since Mega MREs will be deployed for downrange testing in mid-November, according to officials. Besides the main burrito meal, it will also include various snacks such as Bacon Pork Belly Sausage in Creamy Alfredo Mayonnaise Sauce, High Protein Snickers Bar Sandwich with Marshmallow Dip, Fried Buttered Pretzel Fries, M&M, Starburst, and Chocolate Chip Trail Mega-Mix, and Non-Descript Black Protein Shake (Ingredients Unknown).

Each MRE will provide about 13,660 calories, while its durable packaging allows it to be airdropped by parachute from 150 feet, although the shockwave after its landing will most likely level a small village, officials said.

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