ARLINGTON, Va. – In response to workload concerns by some parents, Marine Commandant Gen. Robert Neller has published a list of shows and movies that can be binge-watched in lieu of his traditional book recommendations, sources confirmed today.
“The Commandant acts like he’s the only officer assigning my son reading. Our boys are so saddled with homework they don’t have time to ‘just be Marines,’” complained one boot’s mom on Facebook before the change was implemented. “And with the rising cost of books, how is he supposed to afford getting totally hammered and buying a mustang at 25% APR?”
Other critics of reading lists point to a recent study, which shows that despite the extra work, U.S. Marines are falling behind in the classroom relative to their international colleagues, most notably the Chinese Marine Corps.
“Chinese Marines have got PFCs reading at the Staff Sergeant level! Our crayon-eaters can’t even read at all!” said Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps, Ronald Green.
Under intense criticism from the president for letting foreigners beat us at something, Neller had a stroke of brilliance. officials said. “The Chinese can’t whip us at reading if we stop reading altogether! We’ll win by doing what Americans do best: watching excessive amounts of television in a compressed period of time.”
The Commandant’s new “Professional Binge-Watching List” features such military classics as “Band of Brothers,” “The Pacific,” and “Generation Kill.” Though in its infancy, the program has already been deemed a smashing success, evident by nearly 100% of Marines being PME-complete in just three days. According to sources, the only Marine hadn’t yet finished the list was some weird POG who claimed that the book versions were better.
Sources say there is even a plan in the works for a new Pentagon-funded streaming service featuring Marine Corps original programming. The initial line-up is slated to include “Green is the New Black,” “The Unpromotable Private Schmidt,” and “13 Reasons to Re-enlist.”
“So what if we slip a little propaganda in there?” Neller remarked, “Like you never plopped your toddler in front of the TV for five minutes of peace and quiet?”
Sources say that though the media platform has yet to be released, “Corpsflix and Chill” has already become the leading cause of barracks NJPs.