HOLLYWOOD — “Ruff, ruff! What’s that girl? You’ll never be happy with an airframe that tries air to ground troop support that can also land on a carrier? Aww, girl. Thanks, Lassie!”
And so starts the recently discovered lost tape from the beloved 1950s-1970s television show Lassie, where 19-year-old Timmy Martin, now off the farm and a homesick newly enlisted airman stationed at Langley Air Force Base, sneaks his beloved dog Lassie into the barracks. True to form, Lassie patiently listens to Timmy’s complaints about the F-15 Eagle, gently nuzzling him back to settling down with incremental change and multiple platforms and away from over-designing the F-35.
That dog’s a hero!
The tape appears to be from 1970, but certain details show Lassie’s uncanny ability to see into the future and know that Timmy will someday become an engineer at Lockheed Martin, and with enough barking, jumping, and dancing around in a circle, she could stop Timmy from making the most expensive weapons system in history a total clusterf–k.
That good girl deserves $1.3 trillion dollars in milk bones!
Due to massive delays, Lassie never lived to see the final F-35 underperform against the F-16 in air-to-air trials, or go out to the force without its full airspeed.
After all, all those production delays added up to 386 dog years! The tape ends with Lassie causing a disruption by stealing the table cloth under the buffet at the enlisted club, which stops Timmy from sexually harassing a female airman. Lassie then alerts the PJs and parachutes in with them after Timmy falls down the base well.