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Army hopeful new combat fitness test will turn the tide of war in Afghanistan

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PENTAGON — After 40 years of the same physical fitness test, the Army has announced a new combat focused test that will reverse its recent spate of war loses dating back to Vietnam, sources confirmed today.

“The new test is combat-focused,” said Esper. “It’s a game changer. Clearly our inability to properly test our soldiers’ physical fitness levels has led to some poor outcomes in recent conflicts.”

The Army Combat Readiness Test is a massive change to the current assessment and will include six events: the deadlift, power throw, push-up, sprint/drag/carry, leg tuck, and 2 mile run.

Senior Taliban leaders are clearly intimidated by the well-developed deltoids of soldiers that have been training for pilot programs to test the new ACRT, a recent Rand Corporation study shows. The research, citing several unnamed intelligence sources, stated that the Taliban are particularly concerned that soldiers well trained in the “dead-lift” could push back recent Taliban inroads in a number of provinces.

“If we had had this test back in 2001, we would have already won the war in Afghanistan,” said Maj. Gen. Malcolm Frost, who oversees the ARCT as commanding general of the U.S. Army Center of Initial Military Training. “Frankly, I can’t believe it has taken so long.”

Generals across the Army greeted the announcement with enthusiasm, while criticizing the Afghans’ poor performance on their own physical fitness test as a clear indicator of their inability to conduct combat operations. Security Force Assistance Brigades, the units charged with training indigenous forces to fight in lieu of American soldiers, are now focusing entirely on training for the ACRT.

“If we can get the Afghan Army to master the power-throw, I really think we can turn this thing around,” Staff Sgt. Damien Alverez of 1st SFAB told reporters. “I wish I had trained this way for my last six deployments.”

Esper added that he was eager to see the new ACFT implemented across the force, particularly in staff and institutional units.

“We’ve been doing entirely too much thinking and planning across the force. It’s time for our leaders to get out there and focus on what really matters. Physical training.”

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