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Coast Guard saves lovable Navy SEAL tangled in net

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PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on routine patrol in the eastern Pacific Ocean when they spotted a fully-grown Navy SEAL entangled in a mass of lines, garbage and abandoned GovX gear, sources confirmed today.

The Coast Guard was able to provide the SEAL a life ring and various ego-boosting complements in order to keep the entangled animal afloat. Petty Officer 3rd Class Walt Howell, who disentangled the SEAL, said the mission highlighted one of the reasons he joined the Coast Guard.

“You could see that it was in a lot of pain and needed help,” explained Howell. “Despite people approaching it from the boat, it wasn’t reacting because it seemed too insecure to do anything like tell cool stories or show off its tattoos. If it had been confident and able, it would have been able to break free with its hilarious diver knife or something.”

Cutter Bear Commanding Officer Capt. Tim Piper contacted multiple agencies for advice but animal experts had little expertise they could offer.

“It is a major concern of mine that when I phoned SEAL World, they simply told me that they are not prepared for helping such a creature,” Piper said. “Apparently, it wasn’t good at sliding on it’s belly or clapping. It just kept pointing its FN FAL rifle at the ship and asking for permission to fire.”

“I wonder whether NOAA would have taken more interest in this distressed animal had it been an adorable little dolphin,” Piper added.

The cutter transported the SEAL to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, where it can take months to complete BUD/S, jump school, and a class where you learn how to balance a ball on your nose.

The SEAL will eventually be nursed back to health and begin his rough draft of the tell-all book he will inevitably write about this experience, according to a Navy spokesperson.

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