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Now 17, Afghan War still pissed it never had quinceañera

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US Army/Wikimedia Commons

KABUL — The Afghanistan War is complaining to anyone who will listen about never having a quinceañera to recognize its ever-advancing age as it celebrates its 17th birthday, sources confirmed today.

A quinceañera is a significant, sometimes spectacular celebration which recognizes maturity, usually held for a 15th birthday. Two years past that mark, the Afghanistan War feels that its big party signifying advancement to the next level, such as peace, is long past due.

“Everybody loved me when I was a baby,” the war said, “until that attention-hog Iraq War came along in 2003. I thought they’d throw a party in 2014 with Obama’s exit strategy but that never happened. Now I’m pretty much forgotten and my asshole Uncle Taliban is still hanging around.”

“The Afghanistan War is getting plenty of recognition,” Pentagon spokesman Maj. Eric Liddell said.

“Afghanistan was a surprise baby, if you know what I mean. We didn’t really plan how to begin, and then kept thinking we’d turn a corner and walk away. And as far as parties go, the average cost of a quinceañera is about $5,000. We’ve already sunk over $1 trillion and tens of thousands of casualties in Afghanistan since 2001. How much more attention does this war want?”

“America loved the other long wars more than me,” the Afghanistan War said. “The Vietnam War got Henry Kissinger and the Paris Peace Accords. All I have is rampant government corruption, soldiers deploying here for the umpteenth time, and unstoppable green on blue attacks. I didn’t even get the traditional quinceañera dance with my father, the Soviet-Afghan War. I’m totally ignored.”

“What am I, the Moro Rebellion or something?”

Despite its protests, the Pentagon shows little sign of changing its position.

“Afghanistan is absolutely not getting a party until it cleans up its room, which it hasn’t done in 17 years,” according to Liddell.

“This is so lame,” responded Afghanistan. “We’ll probably have the same stupid conversation when I’m 18. I’m texting this to the Syrian War.”

  • US Army/Wikimedia Commons

  • US Army/Wikimedia Commons

Marine Corps

Marine Corps predicts future drinking incidents will be caused by near-peer pressure

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The Marine Corps published a strategic document today that predicts future alcohol-related incidents will be caused primarily by near-peer pressure.

“We need to think beyond the small-scale drinking incidents of the past 20 years of counterinsurgency and start looking at major intoxicating threats,” reads a forward from Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “In the future, near-peer adversaries like Russia and China will pressure us to enter into high intensity, testosterone-fueled benders. If we’re not prepared, they may even drink us under the table.”

The document claims that high tech weapons and advanced sensors on the battlefield will mean that Marines have to disperse into several smaller barracks parties if they want to get plastered. Small units seeking to close with and destroy the local nightlife will have to rethink their tactics.

“We’ve gotten too used to robust logistical support providing us all the booze we need whenever we want to tie one on,” Neller continues. “But Chinese anti-access/area denial systems will increasingly be checking IDs at the door and may prevent Marines from having easy access to local pubs. Very soon, we may have to conduct forcible entry operations through the side door of the bar just to get a drink.”

In testing, the Corps has had some success in reducing DUIs through the use of unmanned ground vehicles. However, unmanned systems also pose some risk.

“In the Marine Corps,” added Neller, “even the unmanned vehicles get drunk.”

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Army

Trump declares fire stories ‘fake news’ after 82nd Airborne descends onto University of Notre Dame

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NOTRE DAME, Ind. — Students at the University of Notre Dame witnessed a spectacular display today as they looked up into the sky —thousands of paratroopers rained over the campus before securing the area for none other than the commander-in-chief, sources confirmed.

“Most of us just stopped in our tracks and stared,” said one student. “Were we being invaded? I dunno, the whole thing was surreal. Some people were freaking out.”

President Donald Trump ordered soldiers from the 82nd Airborne Division, a unit celebrated for its role in Normandy during World War II, to save the university after news stories of a blazing fire began to surface.

“I’m well aware of the difference between Notre Dame and the University of Notre Dame,” said Maj. Gen. James Mingus, 82nd Airborne Division commander. According to sources, Mingus and several other advisers attempted to articulate the difference between the burning iconic cathedral in France, and the university in America that still thinks it has relevance in football.

“Look, President Trump made it very clear that we were going to be jumping into one of the Notre Dames,” Mingus added. “Frankly, this option was better than the alternative.”

Shortly after troops gained control of the university, Trump arrived on Marine One to personally assess the situation. Fearing another 9/11-style attack was underway, Trump expressed shock after analysts reported there was no evidence of any fire prior to their arrival, according to sources.

“There are no fires at University of Notre Dame. Fake news strikes again! #NoFireNoCollusion,” Trump tweeted.

American forces have confirmed six Army ROTC cadets killed in action. They were mistaken for terrorists due to their inside-out uniform blouses, backwards hats, and rubber rifles — likely role playing as insurgents for cadet training before the real soldiers arrived, sources say.

University officials weren’t available for comment due to the massive influx of students seeking PTSD counseling.

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Navy

Crop-dusting ensign set for flight school

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Source: USDA

PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today.

Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Stinkfeld said as he sniffed the air. “From those clumsy days of crop-dropping in Ms. Stummerfurz’ third-grade class to winning the state ‘North by Northwest’ award as a high school junior, I’ve been dusting off home plate since I was in diapers. Now, I’m ready to throw caution to my recently-released wind and have a career in the U.S. Navy.”

Stinkfeld noted that he’s exploring various fleet aircraft options.

“I’m looking at rotary wing because of the awesome downdraft,” he said. “But I’m also considering the F-35 for its killer afterburner turbofan. I can really foul up an enemy’s day with that.”

Stinkfeld is also looking forward to getting his callsign.

“I bet it will be something cool like ‘Danger’ or ‘Snake,’” he said with an overconfidence normal reserved for newly-commissioned American heroes.

However, instructor pilots seemed certain that Stinkfeld will be forever known as ‘Beefwalk.’”

“Don’t quote us on that,” said one. “But it’s in the fart jar, so to speak.”

Stinkfeld was last seen arguing with the station commissary manager over adding more selections of asparagus, gummi bears and beans.

“It’s for everyone’s digestive health,” he said right before hustling up the baby food aisle for no apparent reason.

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Veteran insecure about not having USAA card at group lunch

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NORFOLK, Va. — A veteran found himself in an predicament when it came time to pay for his traditional wing combo after a group lunch break at the local Buffalo Wild Wings — he did not have a USAA card, sources confirmed today.

Navy veteran Phil Cohen watched in utter humiliation as coworker after coworker placed down USAA debit and credit cards to split the check.

“I was right about to flip out my Diner’s Club card when I just froze and realized I’m not part of the whole USAA club,” said Cohen. “There wasn’t enough cash in my wallet, so I had to go through several scenarios on how to handle the situation — pretend someone stole my wallet, go to the bathroom and never come back, or pour the rest of my beer on my head and plead insanity.”

Cohen began sweating profusely before sliding his card across the table, according to his co-workers.

“I thought to myself, ‘Why does he hate freedom?’ and ‘Doesn’t he know he can earn unlimited 1.5% cash back on every purchase?’ He’s probably been paying ATM fees this whole time!” said Tim Howell, a member of the USAA cult.

Other coworkers report Cohen probably could have asked for someone to spot him. However, it seemed like he was going to spontaneously combust.

“We all calmly asked him to join us in unison, to join the USAA clan, to pledge allegiance to savings and military friendly discounts. That seemed to make things worse,” said Jennie Aldrich, whose USAA face tattoo made it clear where her loyalty lies.

“They probably think I’m a Russian operative pretending to be American. What if they mention this during my next clearance interview? Am I going to have to start having lunch alone? I’m so sad,” Cohen said.

Cohen added that he has been using the General Car Insurance, that his bank is SunTrust Bank, and he has been investing through his cousin Steve who “has lots of stocks.”

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Marine Corps

Wait training added to Marine PFT

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QUANTICO, Va. — Headquarters Marine Corps will add wait training to the physical fitness test to reflect increased demands on the time of today’s Marines, sources confirmed today.

The test itself will feature a four-hour wait check, and the preparatory program will incorporate lengthy waits in multiple settings.

“We’ve found that Marines spend a significant portion of their day — in garrison, in the field, and on deployment — waiting around for something, and some of them are just not prepared,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “No hip-pocket classes ready to brief, nothing from my professional reading list and no PME homework. Hell, not even any hydration, tobacco or sunflower seeds.”

The revised training program will require Marines to wait in a classroom for 55 minutes before the instructor shows up. At the close of the classroom portion of the wait training, Marines will divide into groups and proceed to the base clinic, armory, consolidated issue facility and range. There they will participate in round-robin training consisting of sitting, kneeling or standing at each location for 75 minutes before a role player turns them away for lack of ID or appropriate attire. They will finish the training day by waiting on the word for 84 minutes.

As with any change the Corps has introduced in its storied history, there have been vocal objections from those who consider themselves “Old Corps.”

“Those millennials need training for everything. Real Marines already know how to wait. I’ve been waiting for my check-in sheet to be signed since ’89. Chesty would roll over in his …” said Master Gunnery Sgt. Jedediah Smith, before choking on the baseball-sized dip in his mouth.

Some have questioned the feasibility of incorporating so much extra training into the annual training requirements of a force that is continually preparing for war in Afghanistan, North Korea, China and Texas. However, the concerns have largely fallen on the deaf ears of leaders waiting around at DEERS.

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Army

Army targets horny teens with Pornhub recruiting ads

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FORT KNOX, Ky. — The Army has shifted strategy and is now focusing advertisements on the website Pornhub after missing their 2018 fiscal year recruiting goal by 6,500 recruits, sources confirmed today.

The ads, which promise “hot singles in your area,” ask potential recruits for identifying information before scheduling them for an appointment with a recruiter.

“We haven’t been talking to prospective recruits in a language they understand or in places they spend their time” said Col. Mike Riggins, head of US Army Recruiting Strategy. “Then, one day at work, I accidentally clicked on a link advertising local MILFs and accidentally input my personal data, credit card information and emailed the site several images of my junk. I realized that if I could unintentionally set up a robust profile during work hours on a government laptop, recruits could do the same at home.”

It’s a new and innovative way of addressing the problem and one that is paying big dividends. Since making the change, the Army has already exceeded its full year quota of recruiter appointments for 2019 and 2020. Also, unprompted, hundreds of applicants are sending in nudes, which recruiters are able to forward to MEPS as part of medical pre-screening.

As a result, the Army has begun officially referring to all recruiters as “hot singles” and has relabeled Army recruiting stations as either “Cougar Dens” or “Bone Zones.”

When asked if he’s received complaints from married recruiters over being classified as “singles,” Lt. Col. Jesse Gabriel of the newly re-flagged Chicago “Hammer-Dong” Battalion said, “No, honestly now that you mention it, it hasn’t really come up.”

The program is not without its downsides, however. Several tens of thousands of recruiters are currently under investigation for illegal acts related to the program.

“We have way too many recruiters who are allegedly screwing applicants,” said Gabriel. “And not screwing them in the traditional ‘enlist them as a fueler with no bonus and tell them they can probably get Airborne when they get to their unit’ sense. I’m talking about screwing them in the equally traditional ‘creep on applicants and try to have sex with them’ sense.”

The program is likely to continue in spite of issues and even expand as the Army has announced a partner program for the active force.

“It’s basically the Tinder app specifically for Soldiers except swiping right in our program connects the Soldier with a branch manager or retention NCO in the area who is definitely looking to f-them,” said Riggins.

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“The VA is doing a great job” finds joint study by prescription drug, alcohol industries

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WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs received high praise from a study commissioned by the pharmaceutical and alcohol industries published today.

“The VA is doing an exceptional job providing just the right level of care and shouldn’t change a thing,” according the study. The findings stands in direct opposition to earlier criticism from veterans, congress, and anyone else who has ever interacted with the VA for any reason.

The report cites as evidence the number of veterans not receiving care despite their experiences, injuries, or requests to receive care.

“These are heroes who have served their country honorably, so, obviously, if they really needed care, the VA would get it for them,” stated Pfizer spokesman Tom Schnettler. “The fact that so many don’t receive care clearly shows how good the VA is at determining they don’t need it.”

The report also outlines how effective the VA is at managing the delicate transition soldiers have to make from active duty — where trauma is managed via Motrin and beer — to veteran status where pain is managed with opioids and also beer.

The majority of negative sentiment about the VA comes from haters and losers who would rather troops do lame, commie stuff like yoga, according to the study.

“If these fine American’s want to enjoy powerful prescription meds, whiskey, and UFC pay-per-views at many times the national average, they’ve earned that right,” said alcohol executive Nickolas Plum.

The study notes all numbers are normalized to remove accounting for individuals who served but now smoke marijuana on occasion as they are snowflake traitors to the nation and not true veterans.

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Chelsea Manning comes out as cisgender, asks Trump for clemency

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ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Chelsea Manning has come out as a heterosexual man and is asking President Donald Trump for clemency, sources confirmed today.

Manning, who once orchestrated the largest intelligence breach in U.S. military history, is currently in federal custody for refusing to testify against WikiLeaks and the recently arrested Julian Assange.

“As we know, Chelsea is a tremendously courageous person,” said Manning’s lawyer Mena Finelli. “But right now, he is the only straight man in a jail full of women. Can you imagine? It’s unconscionable.”

Speaking at a rally in Lima, Ohio, Trump indicated he would not entertain Manning’s latest request.

“Only an idiot or a traitor would get involved with WikiLeaks. Trust me, I know,” the president told his supporters amid chats of “lock her up.” “And besides, Chelsea is locked up with a bunch of women. What is there to complain about?”

Meanwhile, the public reaction has been every bit as fluid as Manning’s gender.

Joshua Shleemi, a former pro-Manning activist, expressed doubts about Manning’s sincerity.

“We stood with Chelsea from the very start when she first betrayed her country,” he said. “But we never thought Chelsea would pull a stunt like this just to appeal to the president. She turned her back on us, her allies. Chelsea is a traitor! A gender traitor!”

The military community has expressed similar sentiments.

“That traitor doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice or selfless service,” said Michael Polk, who recently separated from the Marine Corps after failing a drug test during boot camp. “She never stood for anything, never risked anything for what she believed in.”

While it is anyone’s guess what trouble or gender will befall Chelsea Manning in the future, one thing is abundantly clear — everyone now agrees she is a traitor.

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