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Retiring Sergeant Major convinced he was medieval Japanese Samurai in previous life

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FORT HOOD, Texas — An Army sergeant major months from retiring after more than 30 years of service is pretty sure he was a Japanese samurai in a previous life, sources confirmed today.

“You know, I can really identify with the Samurai mindset,” sources say Sgt. Maj. Joshua Thomas, an overweight 48-year-old father of four, murmured to himself. Thomas, gently fingering a challenge coin given to him 20 years prior by the Commander of III Corps, added: “Maybe I could have been a ninja.”

Thomas recently submitted his retirement packet which has, reportedly, spurred a series of adolescent fantasies about medieval Japan. Chief among them is an image of himself in full suit of traditional samurai armor. “I can see myself on the field of battle, clutching my weary katana and squinting to see out from my lacquered mengu face mask. But it is difficult, because of the blood which makes my eyes sting.”

Thomas pivoted listlessly in his chair and sighed, according to sources, who added that for at least the past few hours he had been staring out his window, daydreaming of a snowy Japanese landscape. He ended his fidgeting by leaning back in his chair and resting his feet on a large wooden desk.

“After I aided my defeated opponents’ in ritual suicide, I would likely return to my holdings and ruminate on their courage by quietly inspecting cherry blossom trees. Maybe I would donate a portion of my yearly koku to a shrine for their kami and participate in a tea ceremony,” Thomas told reporters.

Thomas’ wife, Helen Jackson-Thomas, reports that her husband has lined up civilian work as mid-level management at an IT company just outside of Boise, Idaho. Sources confirm that his personal internet search history include the terms, “Iaijutsu Idaho,” “The Five Rings,” “Movie Forty Something Samurai,” “Clacky Practice Swords For Sale Boise,” and “Extended Tri-Care Coverage for Dependents.”

“I think I would be a weary samurai. Tired from the horrors I’ve seen, but resolute in my duty.”

Army

Fossils of prehistoric staff officer found frozen in Afghan Conex box

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Deployed soldiers found the preserved remains of a prehistoric staff officer frozen in a remote Conex box on Bagram Airfield, noting that the discovery may revolutionize the budding scientific field of “Slideology,” sources confirmed today.

Soldiers stumbled upon the fossil, which they believe belongs to the species uselessum majoris, while exploring a section of the base that hadn’t been visited in decades. They say the nearly completely intact remains contained rare and exquisite samples of hair and skin.

“His head was so well-preserved. Signs of male pattern baldness are still evident around the scalp,” said Sgt. Kelly Holcomb. “And you can see that his stubby little sausage fingers are perfectly evolved for editing PowerPoint presentations and making red pen changes to information papers.”

Researchers believe the find may offer insight into the earliest years of staff officer evolution. This is the oldest fossil found to date that shows signs of a flattened, blubber-covered pelvis designed specifically for sitting in the same place for long hours, and a resting dumb face which may have evolved to ward off task-oriented commanders.

“Contrary to what is normally seen as a violent period in evolutionary history, this specimen actually lived a fairly comfortable and luxurious life,” said Dr. Steve Cristal. “We can tell from the contents of his stomach that he fed at the local dining facility four, sometimes five, times a day on a diet primarily consisting of energy drinks and ice cream.”

Scientists in the area also found the preserved remains of a lieutenant which they think may have gotten lost and wandered into a local tar pit.

“We’re not really surprised about this one,” added Cristal. “Lieutenants are wandering into tar pits all the time.”

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Army

Black Mold replaces Black Knights as official Army mascot

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WEST POINT, N.Y. – The United States Military Academy at West Point announced today that all academy sports teams, previously known as the “Black Knights,” are re-named the “Black Mold” in solidarity with Army families suffering from the deadly spores in military quarters.

The re-naming is a reaction to recent Congressional inquiries into the deteriorating state of living quarters throughout the Department of Defense. Multiple service members and their families report being plagued by persistent black mold as well as mice, rats, and other disease-inducing conditions. The plight of quarters residents invoked outrage in Congress and support from West Point.

“We sympathize with Army personnel and families suffering from black mold, said USMA historian Allison Wright, “and we understand the value of tradition. Believe it or not, we’ve never been certain how that ‘Black Knight’ nickname started, but black mold is actually a deep-rooted Army tradition.”

“Throughout our history, American soldiers have encountered black mold in other places that are equally as comfortable as current Army quarters, like Valley Forge, Andersonville Prison, and World War I trenches just to name a few,” Wright continued. “And since black mold is a tenacious adversary, it reflects the resiliency of Army personnel. As a deadly substance it sends a badass message to young cadets.”

The re-naming is part of a larger effort. The USMA will begin teaching cadets the rich history of black mold. West Point will also update its etiquette guide so new lieutenants and their spouses know how to tactfully and politely inform Congress about living in slum-like living conditions.

Recognizing the need for updated symbology for the new name, USMA leaders are consulting with the Army Heraldry Institute, the Army Center of Military History, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

“We want new imagery that is inspiring, historically accurate, and serves as a bio-hazard warning,” said Wright. USMA is reportedly receiving several symbology suggestions from the Army Chemical Corps.

“This finally gives all the chemical officers out there real jobs beyond battalion unit status reporting and voting officers,” she said.

Possibly echoing the Army move, the DOD is encouraging families to adopt household rodents as pets while Congress develops solutions to the situation.

Reports that “Golden Spores” is replacing “Golden Knights” as the name for the Army parachute demonstration team could not be confirmed.

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DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

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FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long as any employee there can remember, sources confirmed today.

“Wearing it felt weird,” Tomlinson said. “I’ve gained some weight, so I had to suck in the old gut a bit. I doubt anybody noticed.”

As at most commands and activities, DTRA policy requires military personnel to wear their uniforms regularly. However, Tomlinson chose a path that could be considered unorthodox.

“I like to look sharp, and that’s almost impossible in that ugly-ass mashup of camouflage and velcro called the Army Combat Uniform,” Tomlinson said. “So I bought some blazers from J. Crew and ditched the ACUs. The last time I wore a uniform was on Veterans Day in 2013 to get 30 percent off at Denny’s.”

“But this month I got a wild hair and decided to break out the ACUs,” Tomlinson said. “I found them in an old aviator kit bag in the basement next to the cat’s litter box. My rank badge was stuck into the family cork board, holding up the school lunch schedule and some coupons for KFC. My beret was in our son’s toy box, and how it got there is anybody’s guess. Kids!”

Personnel at DTRA showed a variety of reactions to seeing Tomlinson in uniform. Sgt. Greg Gomez, administrative NCO in Tomlinson’s division, mistook the major for a newly arriving officer.

“I scheduled him for a newcomer’s briefing and the next unit weigh-in and PT test,” Gomez said.

“It was a little odd that they scheduled me for a newcomer’s briefing, but I attended anyhow and learned a lot, like that it’s policy for military personnel to wear their uniforms weekly. Who knew?” said Tomlinson.

“If he’s going to sham out on the uniform, he should at least get a clue about style,” said Staff Sgt. Rachel Bailey. “He acts all ‘Mr. Fashion’ in his J. Crew outfits but in reality, Tommy fucking Hilfiger here can’t match a tie to a shirt to save his life.”

Wearing the uniform resulted in distinct changes in how people perceived Tomlinson and his role in DTRA activities.

“Nobody bothered me when I wore civilian clothes, said Tomlinson. “Maybe my identity was ambiguous, or people thought I was a senior warrant officer. Now that they know I’m a major, everybody keeps asking for help with their PowerPoint presentations as if I’m some kind of PowerPoint expert! Actually, I am a PowerPoint expert, so its really okay.”

Tomlinson’s return to the uniform may also have unintended consequences for other officers at DTRA headquarters.

“I thought he was your typical civilian with an over-inflated ego and a limited duty day,” Thomas Bowles, a senior executive, said. “Now I know he’s actually your typical major with an over-inflated ego. I’m going to see if we have other field grade officers masquerading as civilians. We make a lot of PowerPoint presentations here, so we need all the majors we can get.”

Departing for the day, Tomlinson said he intended to “devote some serious time” to getting rock hard abs. And finding his PT uniform.

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Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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E-4 accidentally joins actual mafia in mix-up

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JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. — In an effort to join the E-4 mafia, a local soldier has instead joined the actual mafia, sources confirmed today.

Newly-promoted Spc. Rafael Hernandez first realized something was amiss when, according to his testimony in court, he stuck a hastily-constructed shiv into the base of an old Italian man’s skull.

“This just didn’t seem to be in line with the Army Values,” Hernandez said.

Hernandez attempted to establish contact with the E-4 mafia in the traditional way, according to witness testimony. He placed an all-day appointment on his calendar, indicating that he would not be available for any additional duties. Then, Hernandez stood in front of a bathroom mirror and recited the words “I don’t know anything about that, sergeant,” three times. According to urban legend, after doing this, a specialist passes out and finds himself sleeping in the back of a vehicle in the motor pool while the lower-ranking enlisted do all his paperwork.

“I really thought it was going to be that easy,” Hernandez said. “I mean, nobody ever told me outright how you join the E-4 mafia, but I’ve heard stories. It made perfect sense to me at the time.”

Instead of passing out, however, Hernandez was met by a man in a seersucker suit who kept adjusting his tie as he looked at himself in the mirror. He wore an unbuttoned striped coat, and did not meet Hernandez’s eyes. The man asked him if he’d be willing to give an “associate” of his a “very close shave.”

“Seemed normal,” said Hernandez when asked how he felt about the approach. “I thought maybe it was one of the specialists from medical hinting that he could write me a shaving waver. I always wanted a beard.”

As it turned out, it meant slitting someone’s throat.

“Shit, I thought ‘these E-4 fuckers are hardcore,'” Hernandez said. “But alright, whatever it takes to get out of KP duty I guess.”

“Normally it starts with small tasks, favors, stuff like that,” FBI Agent Tricia Patel, head of the Newark Organized Crime Unit, explained in an interview after the trial. “But in this case Hernandez just went right for murder. It got him fast respect, and respect is the only currency these guys deal with.”

The spree that followed involved three bank heists, two more murders, and one extremely complicated case of horse theft involving swapping a prize racehorse with a Shetland pony wearing stilts. Hernandez rose through the ranks of La Cosa Nostra in mere days, catapulting himself to lieutenant of a smaller capo.

“I thought the people calling me lieutenant were being cute,” Hernandez said, “you know, because LTs don’t do any work either, right? I guess I was wrong.”

Hernandez was finally arrested not by local authorities, but by army MPs, after it was discovered that he had missed a mandatory urinalysis appointment.

“What’s funny is that I was actually peeing at the time anyway,” Hernandez said. “Just not in a cup.”

Hernandez is currently out on bail and sleeping in the back of a vehicle in the motor pool.

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Optimistic private sees burn pit as half full

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CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits as half full, sources confirmed today.

“A lot of guys, you know, focus on the bad shit. I focus on how much shit,” said Chase, coughing up a suspiciously dark loogie. “Whatever, maybe the burn pits aren’t as dank as the old timers talk about, but they’re still burn pits.”

Chase, a PT stud who volunteers for every additional duty, is also known for having the best e-mail signature block in the battalion. Half full, half empty, full of diseased dead camels or just human shit, Chase is always willing to see the best in his situation.

“Chase just won’t stop,” said Sgt. Maj. Ted Hopper. “Some guys would see a bunch of cocks drawn in the port-a-shitter and only notice that there’s no balls. But not Chase. Chase would focus on all the dicks.”

When reached for comment, Chase was leading his squad patrol despite his oozing eye infection in his left eye, preferring to focus on how well his right eye was working.

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Absence of assassin from future confuses ambitious company commander

Aspiring military dictator wonders why agents from the future have not been sent to stop him… yet

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Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and attempt to kill him, sources confirmed today.

“Boundless ambition? Check. Contempt for subordinates? Check. Rejection of enlightenment values combined with a burning desire to usher in a fascistic, military-style dictatorship with myself at the helm? Check, and check,” said Hawkingson. “Why haven’t I been targeted for elimination by a temporal agent desperate to stop my inevitable rise to power?”

Capt. Ben Hawkingson, a company commander with the 82nd Airborne Division, has accomplished every goal he’s set out for himself so far to date including: being promoted below zone, taking top honors at West Point, leading the scout platoon, intriguing against buddies during Ranger School resulting in their getting peered, and immediately taking command of B Co, 4/325, 3rd Brigade, 82nd ABCT upon arriving at Fort Bragg. In spite of all Hawkingson’s successes thus far, the future has yet to reach backward to stop him.

“It wasn’t until after I received a silver star for heroism in combat that I realized my true potential,” Hawkingson said. “At West Point, I knew I was destined for greatness, but everything began to fall into place for me after the award. Now, I know what I’m meant to be: leader of then newly-formed United Federation of American States. So why has no temporal agent from the future been sent to destroy me while there’s still a chance?”

Hawkingson said that he compulsively checks his rear-view mirror while driving, expecting at any moment that leather jacket-clad, sub-machine gun wielding operatives sent into the past from a dystopian future will pursue him on Kawasaki Ninjas. He keeps a loaded pistol in the glove compartment of his truck for this reason. Hawkingson also enrolled in a defensive driving course that taught him how to maintain control of a vehicle that’s being attacked by a single well-trained martial arts expert with cybernetic implants or waves of monomaniacal assailants.

“I don’t do drive-through any more,” said Hawkingson, “not since my awakening. And I try to avoid tolls, too. I’d be a sitting duck.”

While Hawkingson admitted that there are probably other threats he’s missing because the motivated and fanatical resistance his regime will inevitably provoke has yet to invent them, he tries to keep his mind open.

“Science fiction films and television programming seem convinced that the future will include directed energy weapons, and it’s already pretty easy to use drones right off the shelf,” he added. “Subversive assassins may have access to the type of technology necessary to control groups of them to rain down death from above or below. Submarine drones! Think about it.”

Another possibility, which Hawkingson considered briefly before dismissing it, is that time travel isn’t possible.

“I suppose it’s possible that at some point in the future, my bold scheme is thwarted, there is that,” he said. “My plots have never failed before of course, including when I sabotaged another platoon leader’s packet for Special Forces selection. But if I did fail, I guess there would be no need for an enterprising, aging quantum physicist to dedicate his life to vengeance after I somehow cause the death of his only beloved daughter.”

One thing is certain, according to Hawkingson.

“If they don’t kill me, in 15 to 20 years, you can expect either a presidential run from yours truly, or a no-holds barred military coup,” he said. “One way or the other. It’s happening.”

“Unless someone thinks they can stop me!” he shouted, turning to the sky.

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Command climate survey filled out in bile

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FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and spit, sources confirmed today.

“We’re not really sure what’s going on at the 28th PSB,” said Col. Megan Smith, a spokesperson for army G1 at the Pentagon. “We weren’t able to get many data points from these poorly or incorrectly completed surveys.”

Command climate surveys have been a tool in the army since 2013 and are now usually completed online with a paper option. West Pointer Capt. Keith Konzel had the grand idea to initiate the 28th PSB’s surveys as famously hands-on. The 28th was unique in that the entire unit completed the survey without reminders and a high proportion of soldiers opted for paper surveys.

“It’s really unusual to get so much participation,” said Smith, pinching her nose above a seeping pile of climate surveys. “Soldiers often feel that they can’t be completely honest on the survey.”

The chaplain reports an unusually high number of pastoral care requests for the company, and medics have been attempting to track down a small typhoid outbreak related to a batch of surveys covered in “sick baby shits.”

At press time, G1 was close to compiling the command climate results based almost entirely on the one survey where the bubbles had been filled out to resemble a penis.

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