WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today.
Gen. He’s Lying To You praised the operation, telling reporters that this was the most effective use of munition that hasn’t been effective since the Gulf War.
“We were absolutely surgical with this strike, you can guarantee that,” he said of the bombing, which killed two members of a militant group with a scary-sounding name as well as 47 civilians.
Central Command Spokesman Who Gives A Crap confirmed things definitely happened and you probably don’t care.
“It may have been effective, or it may not have been,” said Mouthpiece For The Global Military Industrial Complex. “Honestly, no one has a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it, but we thought we would share a piece of news to make it look like we are making headway.”
“We are definitely turning the corner,” she added.
Defense Secretary It Doesn’t Even Matter says this is all part of the Pentagon’s renewed focus on Buzzword For An Impossible To Understand Strategy, which has seen impressive gains for Afghan government forces in the last – what year is it?
“I don’t know,” said Lt. Col. Pending UCMJ For Sexual Assault. “We climbed a mountain, then we climbed another mountain, then we dropped a bunch of bombs, and then we came back. It was just like, whatever, you know?”
Other people were quick to criticize all of the stuff, especially Sen. I Almost Served In Vietnam.
“We demand a robust strategy argle bargle,” said Wasting Your Breath. “This has been going on for, like, ever now, and it needs to stop.”
Bad Fitting Pant Suit With 1980’s Hair echoed his sentiments, adding that “America can’t stomach another thing” and “she literally can’t even” with the situation.
“We need a plan to make a plan to prevent our plans from failing like all the other plans,” said I Support The Troops.
Anyway, sometime in the near future the military people and members of Congress planned to hold hearings and do other stuff to make sure that America doesn’t do this again. Maybe. Or not. Whatever.