US forces did stuff in Afghanistan or something


Chief Mass Communication Spc. Keith DeVinney sleeps between exercises during Fleet Combat Camera Pacific's Winter Quick Shot 2013 combined field training exercise in the Angeles National Forest near Azusa, Calif., Feb. 17, 2013. Quick Shot is a semi-annual exercise that improves combat camera service members' ability to operate in a combat environment. People can lessen the effects of sleep deprivation during long operations by taking precautions such as allowing Soldiers seven to nine hours of sleep regularly for five to seven days before the mission and allowing Soldiers to sleep who are not mission essential at the moment, according to Col. Vincent Mysliwiec, a sleep medicine specialist with 121st Combat Support Hospital, Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital in Yongsan, South Korea. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Peter D. Blair/Released)

WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today.

Gen. He’s Lying To You praised the operation, telling reporters that this was the most effective use of munition that hasn’t been effective since the Gulf War.

“We were absolutely surgical with this strike, you can guarantee that,” he said of the bombing, which killed two members of a militant group with a scary-sounding name as well as 47 civilians.

Central Command Spokesman Who Gives A Crap confirmed things definitely happened and you probably don’t care.

“It may have been effective, or it may not have been,” said Mouthpiece For The Global Military Industrial Complex. “Honestly, no one has a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it, but we thought we would share a piece of news to make it look like we are making headway.”

“We are definitely turning the corner,” she added.

Defense Secretary It Doesn’t Even Matter says this is all part of the Pentagon’s renewed focus on Buzzword For An Impossible To Understand Strategy, which has seen impressive gains for Afghan government forces in the last – what year is it?

“I don’t know,” said Lt. Col. Pending UCMJ For Sexual Assault. “We climbed a mountain, then we climbed another mountain, then we dropped a bunch of bombs, and then we came back. It was just like, whatever, you know?”

Other people were quick to criticize all of the stuff, especially Sen. I Almost Served In Vietnam.

“We demand a robust strategy argle bargle,” said Wasting Your Breath. “This has been going on for, like, ever now, and it needs to stop.”

Bad Fitting Pant Suit With 1980’s Hair echoed his sentiments, adding that “America can’t stomach another thing” and “she literally can’t even” with the situation.

“We need a plan to make a plan to prevent our plans from failing like all the other plans,” said I Support The Troops.

Anyway, sometime in the near future the military people and members of Congress planned to hold hearings and do other stuff to make sure that America doesn’t do this again. Maybe. Or not. Whatever.


Jack S. McQuack
Jack S. McQuack makes-up the news to make the world a more interesting place and to avoid doing actual work. Please contact him if you would like him to make up stuff for you, too. Please. For the love God, contact him.
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