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Veteran keeps self esteem up by comparing himself to partially down-and-out veteran friend

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WALLACE, Idaho — It’s been a cold and long winter for former Army Sgt. Roy Gomez. Separated from the military for nearly five years now, his transition into civilian life has taken a little longer than he expected.

“I figured with a DD-214 and an associates degree, I’d have no issues finding a job,” says Roy as he sits in his recliner positioned nicely in the corner of his trailer home. “But I’ve only found seasonal work most years.”

Although many veterans experience a similar scenario upon leaving the military, Roy has a unique way of keeping his head up about it all.

“I’m really close with the guys down at the American Legion. My one buddy Joe Peterson is former Army as well and rarely has a job,” explained Roy as he cracked open his last Milwaukee Best and took a sip. “I know he had an interview this week at some type of call center over in Oregon. I haven’t heard back from him which means he probably didn’t get it. I feel bad for him to be honest with you.”

Roy says that for the most part he is a happy guy with a nice fish tank and just enough VA disability to keep beer in the fridge and the cable and internet bill paid.

“Joe likes to come over here and hang out a lot. I think he feels like I’m living the dream or something. I have to admit I enjoy his company and giving him advice on his situation. It’s tough out there for a lot of veterans, you know.”

Roy says he’ll probably go back to the lumber mill for his 30 hours a week once winter breaks. Until then it’s just about staying positive and not comparing himself to his old Air Force buddy who makes $150,000 a year out in Silicon Valley.

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Pentagon forms community of disinterest to plan Iran war

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(Source: U.S. Air Force)

WASHINGTON — Recognizing that overthrowing the terror-sponsoring Iranian government requires a whole-of-Trump approach, the defense and White House officials recently convened a secret interagency planning team at the Pentagon, sources confirmed today.

Its goal: to plan a soup-to-koloocheh ground invasion of the intractable Persian country. But the meeting was quickly dubbed a “community of disinterest,” according to sources. While over 50 high-level West Wing appointees were present, other Departments — including the host — sent low-level staffers or even term hires nearing the end of their appointments. Defense was reportedly represented by a single procurement specialist recently hired from the civilian sector. And State sent a cleaning crew that had finished its work early.

“There was just no interest,” said a banking policy analyst from Treasury.

Homeland Security, however, did send a decision maker: senior executive Michelle Daenerys, who is head of Enforcement and Removal Policy. However, Daenerys told reporters that she wouldn’t be back and that she expects to be named Secretary in a few days.

“Given the never-ending Game of Fools that goes on at DHS,” she said, “I need to brush up on scorched-earth policies so I can fix this migrant thing down there on the border between Colorado and Mexico.”

The Pentagon meeting reportedly adjourned without mission analysis being conducted or courses of action developed. Sources said that even a coffee fund set up for the meeting received only thirty-five cents, a found CAC card and a USAID pin in contributions.

A source reported that the Mustache of John Bolton was seen brushing furiously against the faces of attendees and hissing, “Kill! Kill!” When questioned by media, Mustache said that cremating Persians in a vicious ground war is the best way to win the hearts and minds of the Iranian diaspora.

“They’d rather be dead than suffer under the mullatolahs,” it said. “Unlike me. I avoid death like when I avoided Vietnam.

Molon Labe is not just a beer brand to me,” it continued unprompted, while combing itself. “It’s also a way of life and death. And I intend to make sure that today’s draftees — err, service members don’t have to suffer the guilt of avoiding death via some badly-conceived White House strategy.”

Finally, Mustache said that regime overthrow will help it achieve its long-term strategic goal: validating that its life was worth something after all.

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Admiral McRaven defends millennials in viral TikTok video

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AUSTIN, Texas — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven offered a defense of millennials in a viral video uploaded to TikTok on Monday, sources confirmed today.

In the video, which features music from Ed Sheeran in the background, McRaven can be seen performing a handstand and saying that he’s “the biggest fan of millennials you’ll ever meet.”

McRaven, 63, posted the video on the popular social video platform with the caption, “millennials are the greatest gen #foreal #millennial #makeyourbed.”

“Critics talk about millennials being soft and pampered and entitled,” McRaven added, after dropping out of the handstand and taking a bite of avocado toast. “But I’m quick to say that you’ve never seen them in a firefight in Afghanistan.”

At that point, McRaven’s outfit of a red hoodie, ripped jeans, and Converse sneakers suddenly changed to him in Navy camouflage uniform, aiming a rifle at the camera before the video ends.

At press time, officials with Naval Special Warfare had sent McRaven a participation trophy to commemorate the video going viral.

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Air Force

Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire

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MINOT, N.D. – After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire, sources confirmed today.

The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat Fucker), first flew in 1952 and joined active service in 1955, making it one of the longest serving aircraft in the U.S. military.

On the 67th anniversary of its maiden flight, the bomber confided to friends that it planned to retire so it could revisit old targets, spend time with its grandchildren, and eventually settle down in southern Arizona. However, increasing tensions between the U.S. and Russia, along with the bomber’s failure to set aside money for the future, led to the B-52’s decision to stay in the service until at least 2029.

“I’ve got a leaky fuel bladder, and my wings are really starting to sag,” the B-52 groaned during a pre-flight inspection. “But my country needs me, and to be honest, I didn’t really plan for retirement. I guess I always thought I would die during the Cold War, burning in after dropping a nuclear load on those commie bastards.”

The bomber’s decision to stay in service required the Air Force to program an additional $14 billion in modernization funding to cover the cost of its electronics upgrades, CPAP machine, and recurring erectile dysfunction prescriptions. The B-52 is not the only aircraft disappointed in its decision.

“Some of us Gen X aircraft are ready to step up and take the reins,” said another long-range strategic bomber who wished to remain anonymous. “But that selfish clunker just doesn’t know when to leave. Even worse, it struts around the gym locker room with no pants and spends most of the day at maintenance appointments.”

Sadly, the B-52 is not the only aircraft that will continue to work well past its intended service life. The UH-1 Huey retired in 2016 but immediately began work as a contractor in places like Afghanistan to supplement its income.

One of the B-52’s pilots, Lt. Col. Jim “Scruff” Weakley, said the bomber recently began investing in gold and started a reverse mortgage, but that it will likely continue to work until it dies on the job or wins the Mega Millions jackpot.

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Point/Counterpoint: How to help servicemembers vs how to help service members

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The following is a point/counterpoint article. The point will be given by the First Baptist Church Women’s Group, and the counterpoint will be given by adult film star Mia Khalifa.

Point: Our beloved servicemembers need all our love and support, and it’s our Christian and patriotic duty to help them however we can! One thing we can all do is make care packages. Those young men and women in harm’s way need things like wet wipes for their hands and faces, cans of beef soup or tuna fish for when they can’t make it in to the dining facility, and entertainment like crossword puzzle books and inspirational reading materials. The pastor’s wife likes to include a cute little camouflaged pocket Bible in every box so they can take the Word of God with them everywhere!

Counterpoint: I’m a patriotic girl, and I like to help service members every day, sometimes, like 10 a day. I like to work up a nice big package and watch them explode with ecstasy when they really get into it. Crosswords are super fun — my favorite is two across and one down.

Point: Another way we can help the troops “over there” is to make thank-you videos from members of our congregation, to really let them know how much they are appreciated! Some of our young folks are really handy with video cameras, and they recorded a bunch of shout-outs at the annual church BBQ last month. We put those on DVD and mailed them to all of the heroes in Pastor Steven’s sister’s nephew’s unit in Iraq, or maybe it was Afghanistan. Oh, somewhere in the Middle East! Bless their hearts!

Counterpoint: I love to make videos with the troops, and they always shout out at the end.

Point: Sometimes our heroes’ wives and children need love and support too, and we like to invite them to our church picnics and have special potluck dinners when we know one of the big units is going off to war. We like to get those mommy and daddy dolls for the little ones to snuggle when their parents are far away.

Counterpoint:  If there’s a big unit going off, I will be there. I’m happy to support the wives on the front or the back end or on top or sandwiched in between. Dolls are fun to play with when that sexy mama or big daddy can’t come home in time.

Point: It’s our job to help servicemembers any way we can!

Counterpoint: It’s my job to help service members every day I can!

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Marine Corps

Helicopter parents won’t insert son at hot LZ

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CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ.

“Martin knows the rules of our hangar. No screen time after 4 p.m., no driving over 45 knots and no firefights. I think any parent would agree I’m being reasonable,” Sirkorsky’s father, Huey, told reporters.

Huey’s wife Lakota looked up from the baby monitor she has in her cockpit with a live feed from a GoPro on Sikorsky’s chest rig.

“If Martin is having problems with the Taliban, all he has to do is give me a CAS 9-line, and I will speak to their mothers to get this sorted out,” Lakota said.

Sikorsky’s parents were going to allow him on the mission until they received word of an enemy RPK team in the northwest corner of the hasty LZ. Normally, they are fine with their son being exposed to medium machine gun fire. Although he is not vaccinated against 7.62, Huey and Lakota rely on a mix of essential oils to keep Sikorsky safe. However, since arriving in Afghanistan, they have been unable to find a Whole Foods that sells coconut and eucalyptus oil.

Sikorsky said he was heartbroken he could not insert with his guys and get in on the TIC. Like most 18-year-olds, he worries about the effects of his protective parents.

“How am I supposed to have a social life without my own CAR?” he said.

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Navy

Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

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SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.

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Air Force

Space Ghost Files IG complaint over non-selection for Space Command

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VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE — Space Ghost, the interstellar crime fighter and talk-show host, has filed a complaint with the Department of Defense Inspector General over his non-selection for a command position in U.S. Space Command, sources confirmed today.

Space Ghost considers himself qualified for command and is disgruntled over his non-selection, according to a copy of the complaint obtained by Duffel Blog.

“I am not being given credit for my long career,” the complaint reads, “particularly after years of operating — hel-loooo — in space on some of the worst planets this side of the Kuiper Belt.”

Air Force spokesperson Col. James Carney, however, told reporters that Space Command selections are based on potential for future leadership, not past performance. Carney added that although Space Ghost’s service dates from 1966, his career has all the luster of a collapsing black hole.

“He’s never shown much leadership, responsibility, or command abilities,” said Carney. “He recycled three times at his captain’s career course, which is pretty tough to do in a course that routinely graduates people who have traumatic brain injuries.”

Carney also pointed out that while other officers have demonstrated leadership abilities in combat over the last 18 years, Space Ghost avoided terrestrial deployments because of his attendance at Galactic Command and Staff College.

“It’s a one-year course on Jupiter, but that’s almost 12 Earth years, so its not really my fault I never made it to Iraq or Afghanistan,” reads Space Ghost’s complaint.

Records show that for the times that Space Ghost was present on Earth, he was frequently accused of mismanagement, TDY abuse, and favoritism. His supervision was also limited to two teenage sidekicks and a monkey, in whom he demonstrated no interest in promoting or professionally developing.

“These are behaviors we expect from senior officers after they take command, not before,” said Carney.

Reached for comment, Space Ghost said, “Do any of those assholes being selected for command singlehandedly break up the interstellar slave ring run by the Lizard Men? I don’t think so. Do they have letters of recommendation from super villains the quality of Moltar and Borak? This is like getting hit with a Venusian stun ray.”

Carney noted that Space Ghost received positive evaluations for his physical fitness and command voice.

“He’d be in if we were selecting commanders based on having cut bodies and rocking a yellow cape,” Carney said, “but we’re not.”

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Real Housewives of Raqqa about to blow up on Bravo

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RAQQA, Syria — Bravo channel executive producer Andy Cohen debuted a sneak peek today of the latest installment to the Real Housewives series: “Real Housewives of Raqqa,” set to premiere during Ramadan.

The reality television show provides an all-access pass to five lavish wives as they shop, dine, party, and let drama unfold on the streets and underneath their sheets that cover their entire bodies. Cohen originally stated there would be six housewives, but unfortunately Nasrin As’ad Ibrahim was killed by Kurdish fighters during the second episode.

“You’re going to be able to see these women like you never imagined,” said Cohen. “They really are the bomb, one even has a skincare line for burn victims of homemade explosives.”

While most of the women have given birth to multiple children, only one actually still has a child living with her. Dura, originally Canadian, fell in love with an ISIS fighter in 2011 on Chaturbate, a website where anyone can video chat with people across the world.

“Now that my second husband has died and I belong to Yasiif, I am finally able to pursue my musical career that I was promised eight years ago,” Dura said through the slit in her veil. “Soon I will be able to release my first single, “Don’t be late to detonate,” which should be a real banger,” she said.

Another wife, Allayatah Fawad, runs a successful hijab bedazzling business and is considering leaving her fourth husband for a German ISIS fighter that has lately taken an interest in her as evidenced by the nightly raping. The preview shows the feisty Fawad fighting with the other wives and screaming at another wife, Fattah, that her hijabs deserved to be featured in Fattah’s fashion blog.

Cohen even teased the cliffhanger finale, stating that Muthana, now 24, was a college student when she traveled to Syria over four years ago to join ISIS, eventually marrying three fighters and calling for the killing of Americans on Twitter. Now, she wants to return to Los Angeles for the reunion show.

“Let’s just say that some big names get involved, and I can’t say anything else,” Cohen said.

Season two is currently focusing on the ladies as they transition to internally displaced persons camps at the border of Iraq and Syria.

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